Another vent, I guess.

!!!TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF UNALIVE!!!

I originally started this page and blog as a way of sharing my creativity and short stories. Maybe make a prompt or two and play as this character online. Like a little ghost skit.

Never once did I think I'd be using it as an outlet for the fact that I'm an actual human, and I don't have anyone else to talk to about certain things than a blog nobody reads.

So fuck me, I guess.

I've taken a very crucial part of myself away now. Something I can't ever get back. Maybe it was just a hobby, but it was something I genuinely enjoyed to such a degree. It was like an art form. A way I could write without having to sit at the computer and type until my eyes burned and my spine ached.

So when I couldn’t work the motivation to write a word, Instead, I would cosplay. I'd make out these perfect storylines for my characters and act them out for the whole of the internet to see.. before I fell into another depression episode, it was even actually getting a bit popular. People started making fan art of my OCs, and comments would flood in. Maybe it wasn't a lot, but it was cool I guess. Not like I did it for other people. I would've enjoyed it if not even a single person saw my content. I saw it. And that was enough.

But one slip up, and it all came crashing down.

I lost my hobby, not because I physically can't. But as a punishment for myself, and a means of protecting my fiance.

Back like a year ago, my fiance (just significant other at the time) and I had a huge falling out. We had to go on a break.. it was awful. Mostly because of severe misinformation and both of us interpreting things far off from how they were ment.

I felt I was being ignored, and I thought another person caught their attention. I thought they didn't want me anymore and I was desperate to fix it.

I'd spam their phone, try to be the most doting and adoring and understanding lover I could be.. left on read at every turn. 

I found out from their sister that they were spending time around girls and drinking (only to find out months later that the "girls" they were around were their friends girlfriends..). And over calls, she made it very clear multiple times how much more attractive they were than me.

So I thought I'd try to get his attention by posting thirst traps. Just two. I just wanted him to see them.. I wanted his attention, and I wanted him to tell me why he was ignoring me.

Only after he moved in with me more recently did I find out that my overreaction and desperate attempts at getting his attention are was lead him to his last (TW) unalive attempt. 

And now he doesn't feel comfortable with me posting anymore.. and frankly, I can't blame him. When you hear it from his point of view and everything.. I cannot forgive myself.

And now there's a piece of me missing. But every time I think about what I did and how it affected him, it makes me want to die.