birthday posting and some reflection :)

i had a wonderful birthday. it was super lowkey and simple, but thanks to my darling, my one and only, my knight in shining armour... it was just so sweet. i spent it in good company (friends and my partner alike) with good food (kfc and choc chip pancakes) and streaming soul eater (with ellis). i'm so blessed to be able to indulge in these simple things on my 27th like this. i'm really lucky to be alive.

i also just want to take a moment to revisit the past, and further process it. i think the way i get so worked up over people i used to know and their stupidity is because it feels like a personal attack... it's as if because i chose their company, i'm stupid by association. but i know that's not the case. even if you're logically and emotionally and spiritually intelligent, you can still fall for people's games and toxicity. 

i have a habit of seeing things and people with rose-coloured glasses. i don't think it's inherently a bad thing, but it does mean i've given chances to people who don't deserve it. i believed in people on a level who didn't deserve that belief, because they weren't serving my highest good. i'm much, much better off now in my current circle of friends and with my unconditionally loving, monogamous relationship.

i thought i deserved all that treatment from those people. i thought i deserved to be reminded of my worst ex in a way that revisited "the best" of them, i thought i deserved to be told off for just being myself, i thought i deserved to be misunderstood. i thought i deserved to be treated as an entertainer instead of a real partner. i thought i deserved to feel alone in a relationship due to neglect. i thought i deserved sub par, because sub par was all i'd ever gotten.

but that's just it, i think. i'd never received anything real and right, before my beloved ellis. i'd never before felt as if my front was being dismantled right before my eyes with gentle hands. i'd never before felt as if the tears and scars in my heart and soul were being healed by the purest of devotion. i'd never before felt as if i truly had faith, a purpose, a life... not in a way that felt so grounding and genuine that it can overwhelm me.

ellis gives me so much. it's everything. it gives me it's everything, just by being emself. they truly try their best for me, unlike all the false claims of the past. but the thing is the past is precious in its own way, despite how it all traumatised me. because it led me to the here and now. it led me to this beautiful, blessed life. this path walking hand in hand with my sweet baby.

and all the pain of the past fades in ellis' soft and healing moonlight. nothing will ever hurt me in a way that matters anymore. because i have my Twinflame with me forever.