diarypublic.file

Typing out my thoughts at random - no real regard to who sees this or what they think. 

My life, day to day, feels awfully mundane and cyclical but when I take a step back and observe the trajectory of everything over the last 5 years its abundantly clear my life is absurd beyond explanation. So much has happened in such a relatively short span that borders on nearly fictional sounding. In spite of this, over the last year, things have settled down to a point of reasonable stability. I'm in school, I'm working, busy as can and am content if not friendless. 

Getting broken up with semi-recently has me dwelling a lot on that facet of my life. Allegedly, biologists and anthropologists tend to claim that you go after people that resemble your parents (opposite or even same sex) or even resemble YOU. I find this bemusing, as my mother has chuckled practically every time I have brought a lover home to meet her and my other mom. She'll find some time to pull me aside, and whisper to me that I have been basically dating the same girl for 10 years, just 5 or 6 iterations of her... But yes, I contest, I have perhaps the world's biggest complex about black curly hair, tan skin, dark eyes. This is in direct contrast to how I look, and neither of my mothers fit the bill, so I've never been able to figure out where this stems from.

I'm currently in my university's Asians studies department, and taking a class about Buddhism. The teacher is thorough, exceedingly intelligent, if not perhaps a little visibly tired from a long and hard life.... But dwelling on karma and reincarnation weekly has me wondering if perhaps I have been searching for the same girl my entire life. As far as I know there is no Buddhist doctrine about previous attachments affecting your current reincarnation, and I am quite sure that there is supposed to be no consciousness transfer, but this has not stopped the fact that I have this abstract of a woman that has haunted my dreams inexplicably as long as I have been old enough to fall in love. Perhaps all my breakups were just the universe realization that though this person resembled who I once loved lifetimes ago, it is not them, and I have to move onto the next.

Now, more than ever, I cannot exactly afford a girlfriend due to circumstances of moving back and forth between Japan and the US over the next 5 years repeatedly for school and work. I think this means that I am supposed to "focus on myself" or something, but I am not sure I will ever stop subconsciously looking for That One. We will see, I suppose.....!