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[Journaling](Day 33) Fruit ninja. But there's no fruit.

I'll be frank, writing this feels like a chore.


This entry might be on the more feeling side of things.

Today was inconsequential.

2 exams this morning, and both went pretty well, the grade for one of the 2 was given back, and it's a good grade.
Not good enough, but good nonetheless.
I know full well I'm doing this to my own sorry ass but living in a shadow doesn't feel nice.

I went home and did nothing whatsoever.

I was supposed to work on tomorrow's exams.

I didn't.

I couldn't.

I failed. Once more. Like I ALWAYS do.

And then I start again. And then I fail. And then I start again. And then I fail.

I tried to convince myself that I was able to work.

I'm not.

I won't make it out.

If I don't have the privilege of being smart, at least I'm not delusional. I think.

Some days, I think people are lying to me.

They don't want a thing to do with me, but pushing me away is too awkward, so they don't.

They should, and I hope they hear me.

I don't deserve this.

But then they lie.

They're all lying to me. In my face.

Something's wrong.

The motivation is gone.

I don't really have a reason to keep going. There are way easier ways out. I would know.

Why do I feel like the idiot in the room, at all times?

Why do people see me as an idiot?

Am I?

This day brought me dread.

Tomorrow will be bloody. Very bloody.

I am in pain as I end this post.

Good night, lone reader. At least I know you'll make it. You always will. Remember me when you're at the top.

Day In, day out I think about the other worlds irrelevant to mine
How many other names they’ve had in languages we can’t identify
I will go mad before I have an answer that relates to all
When there’s so much to explore - ...And the Addled Abstraction of Being, Psychedelic Porn Crumpets

Laporte, signing off. Buhbye.

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