♱ i just woke up /vent ♱

this.

i opened my eyes and heard what i did not want to hear.

why? i'm shaking and i hate this feeling so much. bpd again, maybe, probably.

"..with her we lay at night, alone. and then.. it's never been the same since." i'm gonna cut this of. i bet it was wonderful. you gave her so much love, i could only wish you even look at me sometimes.

or the "i'm not even sure we're in a relationship. i don't want to be with someone who can't even help themself." from yesterday. it's been 1,5 year since we live together. you was the first one to say "i love you".

maybe.. maybe he will never love me the way he loved her. and whose fault is it?

is it mine? am i not good enough for him?

or not mine. maybe after her he remained empty, and he simply has nothing to give now.

does he want to touch me? does he want to be around? and is it as strong as then? can it be stronger than then?

why can't you love me whole? frankly and strongly, to hold me in your arms and not let go?

why do they share laughter with me, but I'm completely alone when I cry? reminds me of my childhood.

am i worthy of love? am i worthy of your love?

are you the same as everyone else?

could it be karma?

we are two broken parts trying to be together and i hope we both want it. but the past leaves scars too deep. and they hurt.

do I turn him away? is it disgusting for him to look at me? call by my name? does he remembers the past and does he miss it?

if given a choice, would he then stay with me?

or..

Hm.

can our numb bodies receive each other's warmth? can they still radiate that warmth?

i'm losing myself.

i don't want to lose you.

i'm so afraid of being alone.

xo, mor.