life

The first thing I'd like to say is that I'm soo excited to start my journey. I don't know if that's cringey, but the truth is that I believe romatasizing your life can make it better. I need that right now. This entire year has been fucked up. All the friends I mad last year have grown so distant and it feel like we have a big distance between us. I just feel so lonely and weird. The worst part is that that happened because of me, but a part of me does not regret it because i don't even want to be their friends. I'm in a weird state where I don't know what I want. I don't want to be alone. that's the only reason I don't leave them to sit by myself. I want to make friends who are fun, intuitive, open minded and excited to do things, but everyone I know doesn't fit this criteria. I feel so embarassed because I'm the only one to not have a system of friends. I feel this constant pressure to fit in and get good grades and the only thing that's holding me back to being myself is fear. I want to raise my hand in class and have disscutions but its almost as if my own fear is sabatoging my oporutinities. IM always afraid, afraid of people and their thoughts. Afraid or rejection, Afraid of being wrong, Afraid of embaressment, Afraid of myself. If it was a sin to be scarred I would be satan.