おんなずきのブログ ( またかよ！)

OK! Storytime with yours truly, Pocchi, about embarrassing school crushes! AHEM.. Okay, so, it's a little confusing..

Years ago, I was in a friend group with a girl in school, and we were pretty close, I think? But I quickly got a crush, and didn't know if she reciprocated, and I was afraid of being a lesbian, so I never confessed.. my thing is, I must have had brain damage or something, because looking back, the signs are clear... (*Φ皿Φ*) (Look, I thought she was just kidding...)

She never really said anything, but she picked me up, and made strange flirty video game reference ( i won't say it even now. it embarrasses me, so it's corny... ), and joked about being wives, and I'm reading my old blog and she apparently commented on my body which made me flustered and it.. didn't hit me.. even then.. WELL. ANYWAY. She moved somewhere far away one year, and said she would come back to the states when she was 16! So I waited for her forever.. we never really met back up, though? Still, I have her contact. I don't know where she is now, I was too scared to ask...

I remember, we were on a field trip once, and the principal said "OK! Everyone grab your partner!" and I went 'OK!' and held her as hard as I could. 1 minute later.. 'Pocchi.. you can stop holding me now'. and mentally, i was like "あああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああ(((φ(◎ロ◎;)φ)))(((φ(◎ロ◎;)φ)))(((φ(◎ロ◎;)φ)))(((φ(◎ロ◎;)φ)))(((φ(◎ロ◎;)φ)))(((φ(◎ロ◎;)φ)))!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ahem. SO. I think, then, I got the idea that it was shameful for me to like her... when, really, I just have no sense of personal space. It sounds so meaningless, but I got embarrassed for weeks... That field trip was the best, though, we shared a burger at a diner together and got separated from the class until 9 pm.. (●ˇ∀ˇ●)

oh, there was another bad instance... Remember the cheesy pick up line I mentioned? It was outside during PE on track when it happened, I was running in a circle for some reason, and when she said it, it surprised me so much I slipped and fell on my ass, and ate shit. The teacher saw, and laughed and yelled loud enough for everyone to hear "POCCHI!? WHAT WAS THAT??!" ahem... if I told you what reference catches me off guard to have that reaction, I'll die of shame... it was a bad time ╮（╯＿╰）╭

Anyway! Through the years after she moved, she had a habit of accidentally calling me.. like, over and over. I mean, it only happens once every few months, but she'll accidentally call me, then we'll talk a little bit, and then neither of us work up the nerve to talk until she calls again... well, admittedly, I don't think we have so much in common these days like we used to, it's a little hard to talk, and my jokes fall flat. (。_。) I should maybe 'accidentally call' her one of these days, but I get so nervous whenever she messaged me. I guess she's the same way, no one ever accidentally calls me that much. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking. Anyways, I just remembered it.. I guess I miss when stuff like that happened to me, and I'm disappointed we drifted like that. (⊙x⊙;) well, now I know I like girls, I guess I wouldn't let that happen next time... around!! so I want to try talking to more LGBT people in real life, even if it's just supportive friends. (Because, well, I could only talk about my feelings online before. I guess I still kind of do..)

... Come to think of it, I don't remember why this came to mind! Usually I talk about it when she calls me again, but I guess I just remembered it suddenly. And I regret everything now...

It feels like it's more common to date people first now, even if you're LGBT, which is daunting to me... I miss when I would have embarrassing crushes on people in school... I hope that can happen again! And end well this time!!

it's a fitting depiction.