[Journaling?](Day 30) Dear Nia, I miss you.

One month!

One month since I started retelling my days.

One month since I started using Spacehey.

One month that has not been the nicest for me.

One month of eagerly waiting for friends' blogs,

One month of despair knowing that the collective situation only went downhill.

One month of highs, lows, lowers, and lower lows.

One month of pain, and suffering.

A month of blood. Of fear.

A month.

One of many more, with any luck.

One of the last, given the state of things.

One month. And nothing much has changed but my inner state of mind and its reflection on my skin.

Today was particularly bad. I was complaining about yesterday but this is worse. Way worse. I broke down today, for the first time in a small while.

Got up at 10 or something. Did nothing.

The entire day, I did nothing.

Didn't play.

Just wasted time.

I CAN'T WORK

This can't work.

I won't make it out of here alive.

I know this for a fact.

I'm scared, you know, because a part of me is - if you excuse the unintended pun - deathly afraid of dying, whereas the other keeps rightfully advocating for a quick and painless end to put a stop to all of this. And it is true. It would solve a lot of my problems. And a lot of people's at that.

I cried today.

I was listening to a poem by Exurbia. On the fear of becoming old.

It's funny because I never cry, but when I do, it's one of the worst pains I feel. I am unable to cry out, it's just silent screaming. Silent sobbing and me burying my freshly cut nails deep in my palms as I clench my fists and teeth in a desperate attempt to control myself.

2 minutes later, it was over. Just like that.

The only mark that it happened is a slight red shade around my eyes.

I shaved today. Helps me not want to sandpaper my face off. A rubber eraser will do.

This day brought me so much pain.

Tomorrow, exams.

I won't make it.

I'll go eat with a friend I haven't seen in a while for lunch. With any luck, I'll conceal my cuts enough. With even more luck he'll notice and walk me through getting some fucking help.

I ate too much tonight. I'm in pain.

It is fully fed, and sad that I end this post.

I'm just sad.

That's all there is.

Good night, lone reader. Here's to another shitty week in this hellhole of a dying world.

Close your eyes so you see my vision
Unite the soul so there's no division
Looking to the future we see all seasons
Aimed to the top, but what's the reason? - Next Chapter, Hydelic

Laporte, signing off. May the night treat us kindly.