random lol

Its funny how you can literally feel your heart crumble. You feel the horrible ache in your chest and put your hand over it, as if you can stop it from breaking, as if you can hold it together.

My poor heart, how much breaking you’ve been through. Sometimes I wonder if she’s still there, if she took one too many beatings. That familiar ache reminds me that she is still alive, still fighting. I know she will give up soon, I kind of want her to. This pain swallows me whole, it tears its deep talons into my throat, trying to claw its way out and swallow everything in its path until there is nothing but darkness left.

I wonder how a heart can carry so much pain and anger in it. So much hatred. Such hatred that I fear myself. My emotions will be the death of me, or rather the people closest to me will be the death of me, for they are the reason my heart is in such anguish. They are the reason I can never breathe or sleep or eat. I can simply turn my emotions off, kill that beating hateful heart, put it out of its suffering, give her the peace she deserves and needs. But for what? To live my life numb again? 

I hate my heart. That stupid worthless heart that refuses to give up, to die. I pound at my chest and she just continues to beat. I claw at my chest yet I can’t get through to rip her out. 

My shattered heart, I’m so sorry.

I broke you too.