diabla diaries | 2.18.23

estoy deprimida

your girl is spiraling...no amount of chick flicks can save me. i am crying incessantly and like...i just ate chili i guess and i'm listening to music and things are sort of looking up but very very slowly. is the moon in aries or something?? no: aquarius. much worse. this is why i'm getting all philosophical and schizoid. lemme show u what i just wrote down:

one problem i have is that i don't want to put myself out there. but like, why put myself out there when i'm safe in my quaint fairy bower, safe from rejection and disappointment? this will probably follow me into adulthood and prevent me from "finding love." i think that shit only happens in the movies and everyone else is faking it. no matter how much you think you love someone, you will never know the true depth of them. you will never know every last inch of them and they will never understand you. something will always be missing in your lives and deep down in the chasms of your heart you'll always feel alone. if you're deluded and have a good imagination, the pain isn't so bad. if you're a realist grounded in the current moment, the pain is unbearable. and if you fluctuate between the two, you're a hot mess.

....umm???

i keep hearing people say that you are the story you tell yourself. i need to stop telling myself that i'm pearl from the movie pearl (2022) or nina from black swan (2010) because my worst fear is letting my manic little brain prevent me from doing the things i want to do and dying unfulfilled. are we the stories we tell ourselves? because i see bitches calling themselves coquette waif princesses and im like. no ur just anorexic and a virgin. lol.

so i guess i'm gonna make a gratitude list since that's supposed to be the therapeutic thing to do:

♥ grateful 4 my introspection, even if it makes me depressed

♥ grateful 4 a friend like maria who is at least willing to make my dreams come true

♥ grateful 4 the crop top i thrifted 2day! CROP TIL U DROP!

♥ grateful 4 weyes blood's music

♥ grateful 4 the partnering class i took 

i think if i stretch a little bit i will calm down. i've gone thru this before, i can do it again.