Could I have the tism?

Firstly, I start this blog by saying that a lovely person confessed to my dms they read my blogs, and that is so sweet, I'm not much of a blog person, but I'll keep that in mind. I'm a writer, so that sort of support means a lot to me. I know you're reading this, and if you are... Tysm for ur feedback <3 It's probably gonna make me become a blogger here perhaps bc I love writing and I sorta need a diary to let my thoughts out. 

Spacehey is perfect for this, because there's so much unknown unbiased ppl around here yk? But anyway—

Now onto the subject...

For half a year I've been suspecting I have some sort neurodivergency. I was reading information and I was sorta hoping I had ADHD. Now, I know that's a wild thing to say. But hear me out— 

My family has some autism history already. My cousins from my dad side of the family have autism, and pretty sure my dad has it after analyzing some crap that he does. 

My middle brother, who's 17, has autism... But it's like an extreme side of the spectrum. (Hopefully I don't offend anyone from what I'm saying) He's age regressed, non verbal and more stuff. He was diagnosed ever since he was three. 

My mom is an anti-vaxxer. Back in the early 2000's information for autism was really really hard to get. All the info online was about pretty much the symptoms and nothing else. Back in those days, a lot of autistic folks were instead diagnosed with retardation. There weren't much studies about it... However... The anti-vax websites were plenty, specially this fucking website over this white power-hungry old ass man Jim Humble and his "autism" curing clorine drops. Ifykyk 🙄. So she sorta believes that an specific vaccine that babies take when they're three years old gives them autism, that the shit they inject goes to our intestines and that causes the autism... It's insane, doesn't make sense. It makes more sense the studies that say that it's from genetics. But she'll deny that and ofc she will, bc my mom's side of the family doesn't have history for that, dad does. 

I'm a female, 21 years old. I still don't have a car due to traumas, but I'm trying to study to get my apprenticeship license again... When I do that... I intend to go to a psychiatrist and see wtf is going on with my brain, cuz it's def not normal, but that scares me... Because you know medical ableism, how you're also not able to leave a country bc of your disability.

I've been having... deep down suspicions of autism. I do not think autism is bad. Would people be happy without it? Yes. They don't ask for it, but it's not a demon. What sucks is the ableist society around it. I've been fearing having autism not because it's autism, I think if I got properly diagnosed that would explain a lot of my childhood unspoken issues... I'm more scared of my mother and the anti-vax spiral this would make her go in... Or just the gaslighting that it would go from her... Because I remember telling her that I had suspicions of having an anxiety disorder and her telling me that everyone's got a bit of "anxiety". 

It would just pile with the rest of the crap I've hidden from her (being bi, feminist, politically correct etc)

For months, tiktoks appeared with symptoms of autism that I have agreed a lot to... and I know tiktok isn't the most reliable source... Tiktok is the real teacher's enemy, not Wikipedia lol. 

Tonight... somehow the topic of neurodivergency was brought up. One of my online friends is diagnosed autistic. We all took a test, and before it happened all my friends told me that they had suspicions I was neurodivergent. When I took the test... My results were oddly similar to that one friend who's autistic.

I went to another diagnosed online friend and told him everything and he agreed... and I should take a diagnosis when I can. 

It's funny... because they have a child who's diagnosed with autism, but they never thought to get me tested. 

They never thought that me crying everytime they got late to pick me up after school because I panicked they died while trying to pick me up was normal 

They thought it was normal for me to be overstimulated and scared of cafeterias 

They thought it was normal I was nonverbal out of the house till I was 10 because that's when I REALLY got a friendship. They were proud I was an obedient and quiet child, a "gifted" kid that was the perfect student.

They thought it was normal for me to cry everytime they took pictures with flash because it was painful and caused anxiety.

Also ppl disliked me for no reason and I thought it was because I had bitch resting face, but now I'm having second thoughts. Bc neurotypicals detect neurodivergents somehow and are utterly gross with them. 

I've never told them how certain textures of clothes I heavily dislike them... Like certain jeans, but my sensory issues come more from food. Most food I dislike (which is a few, not many) are for sensory issues. I sometimes don't eat certain foods because just feeling the texture makes me panic. (Also the fact that another autistic friend and I shared a lot of food opinions lol)

I once had a full meltdown in the middle of a shoe store over how bright the lights were... And I noticed that's a thing I'm really sensitive with.

I stim too. Constantly playing with my nails, jewelry, almost wearing airbuds all the time for comfort...bobbing my leg.

I daydream almost everyday.

Also hyperfixations... lots of them. (MLP, SONIC... these started since I was a kid)

I'm pretty sure there's more, that I cannot remember. I do NOT want condescending tips. "Why don't you do this? You're grown you can do that" mimimi, idc!!! idgaf abt that crap! Also, not everyone is privileged to be away from their families, I AM NOT! Get that fucking Reddit mentality out of here. This is more of a vent, and me finally accepting it's more likely that I have autism. I'd like some insight from other autistic folks as well. That's pretty much it... And if you're finally here, thx for reading <3