Relationships will never work for me- (CW// suggestive, mentions of bdsm)

Relationships feel like such a waste of time to me at this point. Its not for some reason like trust issues or something like that- the reason why is to put it simply, is because I'm Demiromantic/sexual.

If you don't know the terms they basically mean having no romantic/sexual attraction to someone unless you have a deep connection with them and even then romantic/sexual attraction may never happen.

Now this doesn't mean I'm just heartless- there are so many wonderful people in my life that I've met and have really liked- but no matter how much I like them, if you ask me if I'm in love- the answer is almost always be no. And that hurts because even though I don't feel love the same as others- it doesn't mean I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them. If anything I love the idea of treating someone with all the affection they deserve and being there for them when they need me. I think I've even grown to want to be that to people as I've gotten older- someone that my partner can rely on- but I know that when it comes to relationships a lot of people aren't Aromatic/Asexual. That means half the time if I were to enter a relationship my partner would be in love with me and I wouldn't- or they might be attracted to me romantically/sexually and I'm just- not. And ofc consent is a thing- I always disclose to people that I'm Aro/Ace and some people who were interested in me were okay with that- but I'm simply not. I feel disgusting being with someone knowing full heartedly that they love me in a way I may never love them- it feels like I'm taking advantage of them- like I'm taking away their chance to be with someone who will love them the way they deserved to be loved.

This doesn't mean I wouldn't love my potential partners- I absolutely loved everyone I was ever with. Each of the partners I've ever had I appreciated and always tried to do my best for them- but in some way something always falls apart. For instance I'm not one for sex- it just isn't my thing bc of the whole asexual thing- and this has been a problem for my past partners. Personally I'm more inclined towards bdsm bc of the nature of it being pleasurable without always having sex being an aspect in it- and that usually isn't a problem- till a wants to incorporate sex into it...

I'm polyamorous so often times my partners are too- so I don't mind if they look for other things they cant find with me in other partners- but it seems like so often that my partners want me to be their everything. And believe me I'm super flattered and love that my partners want me to be such a big part of their life- but I just cant be what they want me to be- and it destroys me with guilt. Even if I took an interest in anyone and would want them to be my partner in some fantasy future- I feel like I don't even wanna attempt it anymore unless its just a bdsm relationship. It feels like relationships just aren't in the cards for me..

I'm the problem- because of the fact that I don't love normally- it means the love I share and receive will never be peaceful. So maybe relationships will just never work for me. Even though its sad.. I think ill learn to accept it.