(tw) sometimes people just aren't going to like you and you have to live with that.

when i was a kid i had no friends because autistic people give neurotypicals the uncanny valley feeling, apparently. my mom always told me that some people just aren't going to like you and you have to live with that. my mom was also incredibly abusive, emotionally physically and sexually. i can remember being depressed and suicidal as far back as 6 even if i didn't know what suicide was at the time. but there was this one time in church where i had spilled something during sunday school and cried in my nona's lap all the way through church, sobbing to her that "everybody would be happier if i died". this is one of my earliest memories. i have no memories of being carefree.

my mom sexually assaulted me when i was 12. i was laying in my bed and she came into my room, high on some kind of pain killer, and touched me inappropriately after laying down next to me. this was my first sexual experience.

when i was cutting myself, at the same age, she was going through my things and found a wrapped razor blade in my purse and yelled at me in front of 6 adults because she wanted the attention she got from telling people that her daughter was cutting. my dad stuck up for me that time, and told her that he gave it to me so i could cut sewing thread. 

i can remember multiple times where she would take my phone away, my only source of social interaction because i was homeschooled at this point, and then go through it with my teenaged older sister and her friends and laugh at the contents of it together. i can remember one specific time where i was having a panic attack over it, and she took away the bucket i was using in case i threw up, saying that i was attention seeking and then locking me in my bedroom that was full to the top with her clothes and personal items (she had hoarding tendencies). i could hear her telling my older sister and her friends that i was the most disrespectful child she had ever met.

recently my mom has become "homeless". she's not really homeless, she has a house, but the lights and water are cut off because she refuses to get a job and pay utilities on it. it's also a wreck because of her hoarding tendencies. she expects me and my dad to pay her way through life because the world revolves around her and she's also become very godly, in a schizophrenic way, claiming that they were once married and are hence married forever in god's eyes, so he HAS to take care of her. my dad told her i didn't want her around so she sat me down and asked me, personally, how i felt about her staying here, permanently.

i told her, honestly, "i do not like you. i dont like being around you. i don't want you around."

to which she started screaming at me, "WHY? i don't understand WHY you don't like me? can't you just tell me WHY?"

to which i responded, "sometimes people just aren't going to like you and you have to live with that."

i know they were manipulative crocodile tears because moments later, when i had no reaction, she attempted to blackmail me into letting her stay. but god, it felt good to make that bitch cry.