gender

my gender identity nowadays is sorta hard to parse...

from the end of middle school into high school, i was pretty comfortable with using they/them pronouns and identifying as nonbinary. at that time (mid 2010s-ish?), however, being nonbinary was still something that wasnt really openly discussed or accepted. like, not even remotely. in niche online spaces, maybe, but certainly not in public.

when i transitioned into high school, the counselor i spoke with (for the purposes of correcting my personal information in the system) informed me that my only options in terms of how the teachers would first perceive me (via the system, which shows the students' sex) was male, or female. there was no gender-neutral option, and naturally there was no way to put your pronouns into the system, so i was forced to make a choice. 

i went with male, because at that time i had accepted to some extent (enough to change what name i went by to something more masculine) that i was transmasculine. i had plans to get on HRT, had incredibly bad vocal and bottom dysphoria, and generally preferred (if forced to choose) to be perceived as a man rather than a woman. nonetheless... it still didnt totally feel totally right. 

this, on top of my mom really struggling to use they/them pronouns with me ("im sorry, it just doesnt sound right! its not proper english!" like, literally any time she would slip up) eventually pressured me into identifying as a man, full stop. 

"well, if the school system wont even recognize my identity, and if im already struggling to get the people around me to use these pronouns... it really must be a burden on them to use them. it would be easier just to pick a pre-established gender."

now cut me some slack with that mindset, because ill remind you that i was a child at the time, lol. naturally the concept of being nonbinary or not identifying with the male or female genders has been around for a long time now, but as a western/american child, i certainly didnt know about that at the time!

for a long portion of my life, i identified as strictly transmasculine. despite the numerous nonbinary, gender-nonconforming, and androgynous OCs/sonas id make, and the many times id play as a female character just because i preferred the cosmetics, and the gender-ambiguous characters i would identify with (lookin at you, metatton), it took me years more to realize (or, i suppose, re-realize lol) that i was much more comfortable identifying as nonbinary/genderfluid. 

in the years it had been since those early childhood experiences, the concept had (luckily) been far more normalized. pretty much everyone i interact with now as an adult knows how i identify, and regardless of whether they still use he/him or they/them with me, i feel much more comfortable knowing that theyre aware i dont feel comfortable being strictly confined to either box. 

sometimes i really do feel isolated, though... im transmasculine only in a purely medical sense. im on testosterone as my vocal dysphoria was best addressed that way, and my bottom dysphoria is still immense and im still heavily considering getting bottom surgery (i also have dysphoria about my height, but that's really not something that can be solved lol). 

i think its interesting to discuss gender dysphoria outside of being transgender. it has occurred to me, plenty of times, that there are quite possibly women out there who, if it were readily accessible, would gladly trade their vagina for a penis. and it would quite possibly greatly improve their quality of life! likewise, i dont doubt that there are men out there who would genuinely prefer to have a vagina. in both of these scenarios, these hypothetical individuals would change no other sex characteristics/gender-signifying aspects of themselves (voice, height, gender expression, etc.) and would still identify with the gender assigned to them at birth; they just have that one area of dysphoria.

i just think gender exists on such a fascinating scale, but that we have totally limited ourselves to what we can and cannot consider in terms of being more comfortable in our own bodies due to our strong attachment to pre-established concepts of gender, and gender norms. its really sad to me, honestly!

this is not, for the record, me saying that cisgendered people or transgendered people conforming to cisgender gender roles are "in the wrong" or that they SHOULD want to change something about themselves; if you're comfortable presenting in these ways, thats great! rather, i have spoken with a number of (progressive, of course) ciswomen who have expressed genuinely wanting a penis before, as well as plenty of cismen who expressed... similar sentiments. do i think this makes them transgender? not at all, unless they wanted to identify as such. i think this is simply a standard case of dysphoria; being uncomfortable with something about their body, and feeling as though theyd be more comfortable changing it.

idk! just rambling. got distracted and need to get back to work now :9