not good

kinda been numb these days,,, had the recurring image of scarring my face in order to appear less feminine... had a nightmare i sat in front of my parents as i gave myself a glasgow bc they refused to see me as a man and i remember i was bloody and asking them "am i good enough yet?" while i inched the blade close again.

fuck its been on my head all of this morning. i had to get away from everything sharp around me bc the thoughts of hurting myself are coming again. while i do find scars beautiful, i dont think selfmutilating is a good idea, yet my head..,,, i think,,, i should

its so fucked up isnt it? but what can i do about it? tell my psychiatrist or psychologist and risk getting interned? no way in hell. im not going back.