Letter for a hopeless love

*From my blogspot entry of 14/02/2023:

 Oh, I just can't describe how much I love you. We never met, but that time, when you just waved at me, in my dream, I fell for you. It's so dumb. Why did my heart think it was the right thing? I have never met you, and it'll never happen. Because you don't exist. You will never exist. Yet, I go to sleep hugging my pillow pretending it's your body, trying to listen to a non-existent heartbeat, and it hurts. If I'm gonna tell people what I'm feeling right now, they're gonna think I'm crazy. 

I often talk about you with others, and you suddendly get shaped from my words as "a french boy from Lyons, who is the last of three twins, runs a family restaurant and has lived for a bunch of years in New York". They believe you're a real person. I make them believe you're a real person. It's so depressing. Some people may be struggling confessing their love to their crushes as well, but at least the person they're fond of, they exist. They can show me a picture, but I can't. They'll judge me. I'd feel useless. They'd bully me for it. And I'd cry if someone found out. I always say to my online friends that "loving fictional characters is fine, because the human brain can't distinguish love for a real or fictional person", but I can't bring myself to be the same thing for me.

I carve your love. I need someone like you in my life. Please, oh my god. Love me. I don't know the real definition of love, but if I knew, it would be you. Stuff like: "I got this for you since I know you like this kind of things a lot." or "Come at my place, let's bake cookies together." You, you would definitely do this. And I'd love it.

Maybe, in another universe where we can exist together, I'll hand you a bag of handmade chocolates and I'll ask you: "Will you be my Valentine?"

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