just need to get this off my chest

TW: school shootings, death

these past few hours have absolutely rocked my world. for those who don't know at 8:20 pm on february 13th, 2023 shots were fired in berkey hall at michigan state university. i live about 25 minutes away from msu. three people were killed and five were left in critical condition, the gunman killed himself after being caught by police about 3 miles away from campus. the college was on lockdown from 8:30 pm to 12:20 am the next day. i knew several people on campus, including one of my best friends. i dont think i have cried as much as i have in the past 24 hours in months. i have never felt true helplessness until i realized that one of my friends, only 17 years old, couldve died and the last thing we couldve said to her was an 'i love you' over text. i emailed my student teacher, a grad student at msu, to make sure she was ok, and the sobbing that came after i got a reply saying she was safely off campus. my older cousins best friend lived in the dormitory next  to berkey and thankfully she picked him up before anything got crazy. i will never get over the fact we lost three, THREE people last night. i know someone whos friend got shot. i keep thinking about how i couldve lost friends. i keep thinking about the students on campus who lived through the sandy hook & oxford high school shootings in the past who had to relive the trauma. i keep hearing the sounds of the helicopters who passed over my house to get to campus. i keep imagining the insane amount of cop cars, fire trucks, and ambulances that came from all over michigan to help serve and protect as best they could in this nightmare. ill never forget the relief of getting a text at one in the morning from my friends saying they were finally home safe. i never thought a school shooting could rock me to my core because of all the conditioning id been exposed to since i was seven years old, almost a decade ago. i am scared that tomorrow morning i have to step foot in my high school and pretend everything is fine. i figured i wasnt afraid to die, but im only 16, i dont wanna go before i can even start living.