jealousy, dislike, abandonment (rant)

OK HERES A RANT MY BAD I DIDNT LIKE MEAN TO RANT BUT I DID SO LMAOQD I AINT EVEN MEAN TO GET MOODY AND STUFF I JUSTWF IDK LOL

DONT THINK OF THIS AS LIKE SOMETHING SAD OR DEPPRESSING PLS CUZ IM NOT EVEN SAD IT JUST SEEMS LIKE THAT I PROMISE

so i'm the type of person to get easily jealous about things and I know its bad but I can't help it.. I don't ever show when I'm jealous bc I don't wanna seem selfish and entitled. But really anything and everything tends to make me jealous and then its like my confidence gets lowered since I compare myself to whoever i'm Jealous towards..

And i've always been like this

every single thing makes me jealous even the small little things it all gets to me, especially when its the people i care about the most ykwim likeee a bestfriend or something, idc if its just a regular friend, i only get jealous when its a bestfriend or my family or a s/o

I remember in third grade I was in gym class hanging out with my friend and my friend said that she also wanted to hang out with her other bestfriend so then I got really upset at her and told her to only hang out with me, I said and I quote "If you don't only hang out with me then I won't be your friend anymore" and that was really rude of me to say but I was just really scared that my friend would abandon me for the other girl... I was afraid she wouldn't like me anymore, bc i thought she mightve liked hanging out with the other girl more than me.

Another instance is that I get jealous when my parents brag about my siblings and what they can do, but it makes me realize how untalented I am, and it makes me think that they like my other siblings more than me..it's probably awful to get jealous over my younger siblings but that's just how I feel.

It all just comes down to abandonment issues and the fear of nobody liking me or preferring others..

I just don't want ppl to leave me or dislike me bc they prefer another person if that makes sense

I hate that i get jealous so easily 

people are ofc allowed to have other bestfriends and other people they really care about..

but it kinda pains me that I might not be a priority 

im like a backup friend or just someone to be with when everyone else is busy ykwim

i think i might just be selfish idk

i dont want people to leave me, its happened too many times its scary i dont want to experience it again, the feeling of being all alone completely and having absolutely nobody else bc you're a "boring person" or you're "too sensitive" or "too weak" or you're just an "unlikeable person" a "nerd" literally any trait that a dumb idiot that lets people walk over them would have.

yeah..

sorry for my rant, its just I wish i was confident, I wish i could be myself 

but people dont like that...

and yeah I do care about what people think sometimes, and ik i shouldnt but i cant stop