[Journaling?](Day 23) That's what you get!

Hardly a thing to say of today.

I did fuck all, once more.

I could copy past my day 2 entry and it would be all the same.

I rediscovered my love for Paramore, and I am right. Paramore is great. I love Paramore. Also, Hayley fits in the broad category of goals. Though I'll be frank my standards are as low as my stamina.

I really have nothing to say.

Took a nice, long shower, I needed that. Ate something this evening, something proper for once.

I finally covered all my mirrors properly. My flat is a safe space for me and a quiet space for dust to settle.

I think I should try my hand at poetry.

Today marks the second day in a row I didn't cut.

I really wanted to, at some points. I had the blade in one hand, and some toilet paper in the other. I didn't. So far, as long as cutting is a reflex, I can somewhat control it. Regarding the part where it is more of a coping mechanism than a reflex, well, we'll see tomorrow when I inevitably bomb my exam.

I do however feel terrible. I feel hideous. Repulsive. An ugly monster. This body I'm in, I don't like it. Every single part of it disgusts me. Every single one. And I can't look at myself without just... feeling bad about myself, and how I could've tried and changed it all should I have realized how bad it all was and could be. Why can't it be easy? I can't look at myself, I can't even think about it, there's this mental blockade in place. Why am I this way? Why is it so hard? I know something's wrong but I just can't convince myself that I have to act upon it, or it will always stay the same.

To end this post on a more positive note, I McGyverd myself a phone holder in my shower so I could get some proper music while I shower, the acoustics are absolutely terrible in there. I am so good at this. Give me a piece of bubble gum, a peach, a screwdriver, and a large piece of plywood, 4 days, and I'll make you a plane.

I'll prolly redo a proper layout somewhen.

This day brought me about as much as yesterday. I still feel as good as usual. Which is, kinda limited? To like not at all? Yay.

Tomorrow... Tomorrow will be a shit day. I hate Mondays with a burning passion.

It is somewhat upset and distraught that I end this post. Eh. I'll get over it. As I do. I have no choice.

Goodnight, lone reader. Here's to another poor week.

I'm off caffeine on doctor's orders
Said it was gonna help to level out my hormones
Lucky for me, I run on spite and sweet revenge
It's my dependence on the friction that really hinders my progression - C'est comme ça, Paramore

Laporte, signing off. Until next time.