Social Anxiety.

Kinda ironic that I'm writing about the topic of social anixety, yet here I am, typing this up on social media. How can somebody have social anxiety while still being social at the same time? Whenever I try to talk to people in person, I feel a pair of hands wrapping around my throat, squeezing so hard I can't make a sound. 

There is so much I want to say but my brain doesn't work with my mouth and let me slip the words out, it's like I am crying constantly for someone to be able to hear me, but I am just stuck in my head like a prison. I can't directly stare someone in the eyes either, yet online, I feel like I have plenty more time to think, to be able to collect my thoughts and say what I want to properly say, in person, I just spit out the first thing on my mind and it usually gets me in trouble. I feel intrusive with my words and I don't know how to filter myself. 

Sometimes I sound more cruel than intended or I get too repetitive with my words. I have always loved being able to communicate with those online for this exact reason that I'm able to do quick research on the type of words I want to use to express myself better. I don't know what's wrong with me in that department, is it the Autism, maybe? Or am I just making an excuse for myself to justify my unwillingness to cooperate with people outside of a screen..?

Years have gone by and I've had little to no improvement which makes me feel like I am permanently broken. I feel like sometimes I've been destined for failure but maybe I'm just pessimistic. Though sometiems I try to not be that way and sometimes the Internet is kind of comforting because it allows me to seek out those who are exactly like me, I know that much at least that I'm not alone with feeling like this. 

"I get overwhelmed so easily
My anxiety keeps me silent
When I try to speak
What's come over me?
Feels like I'm somebody else
I get overwhelmed."

"I should be fine, but it's all too much
I should be fine, but I'm not (not)."

-Song by Royal & the Serpent