try something new :) why not?

i'm reading a zine i just got by a writer i look up to. her work is very moving, it's making me remember when i used to do all kinds of creative projects to express myself all the time. how fun and healing it was. i don't make like that anymore. it's been years. 

i've wanted try writing blogs for a while but i'm intimidated by 1) the permanence 2) the vulnerability. but we face our fears around here, so now is as good a time as any to begin. 

i must have become accustomed to highly curated, creativity-killing social media platforms. there are creative ways to use these platforms, for sure. but overall, it's like bowling in a lane with the guards up. or playing mario kart with steering assist on lol. you can reap rewards more easily, but you can't stray from the track laid out for you to follow. it's always the same fucking track. everytime. straight, boring, predictable, expected. after a few runs it only feels confining... 

at some point, subconsciously, i started to worry more about expressing perfection and capturing attention through the aesthetics of how i present myself online vs the raw, honest human-ness- including the ugly, the struggles, the shame and fear. which is the real magic worth connecting over, and what i want to express through the shit i share with the world. it makes sense given the medium, but it's not what i truly want. which is what (also subconsciously) lead me to spacehey, go figure. 

and admittedly, my mental health has not been "good" in a long time now. i'm far from the only one in that aspect. the past few years have changed everything. mental, physical, societal, spiritual... things have changed forever.

but i'm still here and i'm still me, and i still have time to do all the things i want to do. and i intend to. dare i say, not all the change has been negative. i used to be so numb and distant. i took opportunities for granted, avoided everything out of fear. but now i realize the preciousness of life more than ever. i don't want to waste it. i have so many dreams. i'm going to try my best to make them reality.