the end, reflection, and retransition.

i remember when i first found the song "the end." by mcr, i had this strong attachment to it. i remember sitting in my bed at night and listening to it on repeat. i've never had a strong grasp on my gender, my autistic brain doesn't really understand the concept. i came out as a trans man for the first time when i was 11, then i jumped between labels my entire middle and high school career. i would come out as a trans man, then detransition, then realize "oh wow this feels awful !" and retransition, then detransition- it was an annoying, exhausting cycle i never seemed to be able to break out of.

i think a lot of the confusion came from being sucked into the whole "transmed" ideology. i thought for so long that if i wasn't violently suicidal at all times due to my dysphoria then i wasn't a "real" trans person. i thought if i wanted to wear makeup sometimes or wear anything feminine i was just faking it like all the happier people "taking our resources". the truth was i was just unhappy. i had to learn that just because i'm unhappy doesn't mean others are wrong or bad for being comfortable.

now here i am, 19 years old and still unhappy. i really did try to force the thoughts and feelings down, but my attempts were all for naught. 

the hardest part is gonna be telling everyone again. i know they won't take me seriously, they'll think i'll go back again. but i won't- i can't.

the rain pours down on me, i hope it can wash away my fear.