February 9th 2023

Yesterday was, hard.

I didn't expect yesterday to be a struggle for me, yet it was.  

A couple years ago, my grandmother on my father's side passed due to Covid.  I loved her very much and frankly, I'm still grieving over her death.  She had pre-existing health conditions which made her vulnerable to the virus.  My grandfather had the virus at the same time she did.  He was there holding her hand in the same hospital room, he was there with her until he had to use the bathroom.  While he was gone she left our world, she was tired of fighting.  He was the last person to ever speak to her or hear her voice.

Which is why seeing him get remarried less than two years later was so hard for me.

I know I'm selfish and that I should be happy that he's happy, but I can't be.  

These past few years since her passing have been the hardest for me.  Her passing opened my eyes to how my family really felt about me.  All the birthday cards she used to send me I would take for granted.  Since her passing I haven't recieved one card from any of the family that lived with her.  Not my grandfather, not my aunt, and certainly not my cousins.

I witnessed him throw away the one woman on my father's side of the family that truly loved me for a woman who can pay for his cancer bills.

I don't think I'll ever get over her death, and I don't think I'll ever approve of my grandfather's new marriage.  Yes, his new wife is kind but she is not my grandmother.

She will never be Nanan to me.

Below are a couple photos from the church they were married at.  The same church he'd preach at after Nanan proof read his sermons.  No, I will never get over this.