27/1/2023--empathy

I think I lack empathy. I don't feel sad when others tell story's I insted wait patently to one up them or tell my own. I love talking about myslef to a nauseating degree and I ma constantly paranoid it makes me seam uncaring. I can understand when a person is telling a traumatic story and put myself in their shoes but not in the way others describe it. I hear story's of other vomiting over sad shit they have seen or heard and I hear the phrase "wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy" alot I I can't cant understand it.....if they are your worst enemy wouldn't you want the worst for them? I know I serenely do and I wish for my worst enemy to go blind or lose a limb almost every day. This may come off like I just don't care about other people witch isent true I feel scared for people. My bsf is going threw a real messy part of a relationship right now and im honestly scared for her but I find myslef questioning if im scared she's gonna be sad of if im scared to deal with it but I don't think I am. I care about 2 people in this world deeply, you know like in a soulmate way, my baby brother and my bsf thats it and I truly don't see it changing until I find someone to marry. I guess lack of empathy would categorise me as antisocial personality disorder.......I mean psychopath in misinformed terms and honestly mabey I am. Im socal and outgoing and love attention but im mean and abrupt and attention seeking and downright abusive but atlest I want to better myself I guess. Im not mean in the typical sense of a nasty name calling way I mean in a manipulative way and I would much rather tell everyone around me I have a less polarising mental illness like bpd or whatever else but this is not bpd I truly belive im am a sociopath