A conversation with a friend about improving the world.

Trigger warning for reference to suicidal thoughts! This conversation was originally held in Russian, but I have translated it for your benefit.

(On the subject of my intentions to use my life's funds to help improve the mental healthcare where I live)  

Friend: Look, I still strongly recommend that you direct your help not to strangers, but to friends and relatives.  

Me: ... Could you elaborate?  

Friend: The world is not worth making better. Just live for the sake of others. (relatives or friends) Or for your own pleasure! :P  

Me: There's is a distinct philosophical disagreement between us.  

Friend: Look, I simply understand that helping other people is more expensive than not doing so, and that you should not trust anyone. You need to realize this too.  

Me: I can understand why some people think this way, but I love the world. I'm proud to be human, no matter how terrible we often are. I know the stakes. I'm not a fool. It's just what I live for. If I could not improve the world, I would rather not live in it. As a privileged person, I am obligated to do my part before my inevitable death. Without that purpose, I have no reason to continue living.  

Friend: Find it, then. Find another, better reason to continue living.  

Me: My opinion on this matter is not common, but it is the meaning of my life. I can't give up something so important to my existence. So, I won't. I think you are exhausted. Oh, that was not what I meant. You are “Jaded”. It's an English word that means you have experienced so many bad things that you have lost faith in the world and humanity. You can call me naive if you want, but I am proud of who I am and what I live for.  

Me: Also, you say "find another reason to live" like it's a simple thing hahaha. It took a great effort to show the point where I stand today. I once even considered ending my life. Abandoning my philosophy would mean returning to a dark, dark place. A place where no one should ever go.  

Friend: It is very difficult. I am still searching for a reason.  

Me: Yes, and it's not a difficulty that I am willing to undertake simply over something as trivial as mistrust and stinginess. I think you should learn to love the world just as you think I should learn to do the opposite. I guess there is no way to tell which of us is right in the end. I'm no prophet... But I firmly believe that my love will prevail. Hahaha, that was really stupid to say. Ah, that's not what I meant. “Cheesy”. It means something silly, as if taken from a poorly written or idealistic novel.  

Friend: Perhaps you will understand me if somebody dear to you ever betrays you.  

Me: Maybe. Maybe so. I doubt it, but I can't know until it happens. Unfortunately for any hopes of finding an answer, I am someone who thinks very differently than most. I don't actually form emotional attachments as I've heard most people describe. I think it may be due to my autism. I have a few to none that I would consider dear to me. I am perfectly content with this, but often it seems that others are upset when they find out about it. Nonetheless, maybe one day, I will know your pain.