Thinking

 I've just spent 2 hours thinking about my entire life instead of sleeping. Like, I'm writing my whole fucking biography in my head.

The best part is realizing that I never had a long and meaningful relationship. All my friendships only survived 1 year and maybe a few more months, and both of my two romantic relationships only existed for a month, barely that.

I can ignore the dating because I was literally like, 11-12 years old, obviously I wouldn't expect a tween to know how to maintain a fulfilling relationship and to have the maturity to love and cherish a partner. But the friendships, I have no idea.

I just can't stay close to someone. Something always happens, maybe we fight or we just drift apart. I know this is normal, but it happened to ALL my friendships up until now.

I currently have three friends. One I know since elementary school but only recently I truly befriended her, and the other two were already friends of this friend so I met them through her.

I think my main problem is when anything bad happens, I just stop working. I don't talk to anyone and make sure no one can contact me. I completely shut down. And it takes weeks, even an entire month, for me to feel remotely better.

This happened two times last year, I got horrible grades and, as always, I shut down and blocked my friends on Discord and WhatsApp. Of course they tried to talk to me in class but I said I didn't want to talk and wanted to be alone.

They respected my wishes (which I appreciate, a lot) and later even joked that my "depressive phase" actually helped me boost my grades, but I don't want them to keep dealing with that.

Recently, I've been having trouble with my faith, and I tried to vent to one of those friends, who is someone that already had talks with me about these subjects. I even warned him that he may be expecting an unnecessary long essay about how fucked up I feel in the next few days, and to say right now if he wanted it or not, and he answered that he was okay with it.

The text was so long I considered putting it in a Word document, but I didn't even have the strength to finish it. I felt so much shame that I gave up and told him so.

So yeah, I don't want to have them keep dealing with my bullshit. Always trying to help the little pitiful bitch who can't even receive a simple "no" without holding back tears. It sucks.

I think this is what fucks up my social life, my unexistent social skills and emotional immaturity.