Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse, Mental Illness (Don't Read If Easily Triggered)

I felt this pulling at my heart to share my story with everyone. I don't know why, but I know when I get a pulling at my heart it can't easily be ignored. I have no idea where I am going with this, so I'll just write and let the words flow freely. As the title states though, there is mention of sexual abuse and mental illness. If either of those are triggers for you, I wouldn't suggest reading any further. But if you aren't triggered by those terms or acts, and you would like to hear my story, feel free to stick around and continue reading. 

I don't really remember much about my childhood, honestly. There has always been huge gaps before the age of fourteen. Like huge gaps. I will sometimes get visions of things that I assume happened when I was younger. For all I know it could be from past lives. Either way, they pop up at random moments. But the moment I truly recall is the night I lost my innocence. Mainly because it was what started the downward spiral that my life turned into. That pulling at my heart to tell my story? It was probably because of the age it all started. As I said, I was fourteen, and I notice there are a lot of teens ages 13-17 on here. And if my story only reaches the heart of one person that is completely fine with me, it would still totally be worth it. I'm not going to go into massive details about what happened. Even the thought of it triggers me, so I know it would be alarmingly triggering to a lot. Sexual abuse happens a lot this day and age. It's sad. But it's the fact that happens far more than it's actually talked about. I know because I was one of them. I didn't start openly talking about my sexual abuse, truly, until I met my fiance 2 years ago and started my spiritual journey. It still hurts. And it's still painful to talk about. But it's, in a sense, easier. My mom didn't find out until I was 20. None of my exes (aside from the father of my sons) knew about it. The only person in this universe I truly felt comfortable enough to talk about it with is my Twin Flame. My fiance. The love of my life. 

With sexual abuse comes major mental health problems. Right? Doesn't it feel like it's a given? You suffer trauma you come out with more issues than you'd care to admit. 2019 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I've been tested with many different medications. All of which have failed me. I've gone through therapy over the years. But with therapy, comes talking about the core of the issue. The rape. Again, back then it was something I wasn't open to discussing. Or ever wanted to mentally experience again. Even the mention of his name sent me into panic mode. I hated him. I hated him with every bit of life I had inside of me. And I wanted nothing more than to watch his body burn. I didn't feel like he deserved to have that beautiful family he had. Or a decent job. Married to someone that seemingly loved him. He didn't deserve the luxuries of a somewhat normal life. Why should he? He was a narcissistic piece of shit who stole my innocence. 

So let's fast-forward, shall we? 2020. September 2020, to be exact. I crossed paths with this amazing soul, who's last name I will one day take as my own. His name is Zach. He told me personal things about himself from the start. Truly opened up to me. Didn't half ass anything. He laid everything out there from the very beginning. I knew about his childhood trauma. The evil things people have done to him at a way younger age than I was. I knew about his DID/MPD. In fact, I've met quite a few in his system. He made me want to trust him. It didn't happen over night, of course. It took a while. I eventually came out to him about the things that happened to me. He knew about my older brother passing. That one wasn't by my choice, though. His mom's boyfriend was hanging with us one night, telling a story of how they almost got shot, and let's just say panic attacks hit at the worst possible time. I went into full on panic mode. Uncontrollable crying, unable to breathe. And the only thing Zach did in that moment was hold me. He didn't say a word to me. He didn't attempt to calm me down. He let me go through it, but also let me know he was right there. He didn't have to say anything. I felt it. It was in that moment that I knew I could trust him. I haven't looked back or elsewhere since then. 

I truly have no idea where this blog was taking me. But just know, because I know there are people out there, if you feel there's no one in the world you can talk to; just know there is. And if you haven't found that special person yet, they will find you when you least expect it. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you, sometimes for the better. And there is no challenge you are faced with that you aren't strong enough to overcome. Stay beautiful.