arrostia

and so it has happened//

for reasons unbeknownst, i have fallen.

this is a pain i know all too well. aching bones, tight muscles, everything is too warm or too cold, except for the abysmally hot water that showers me. yet, our drain is partially clogged and thus a shower must be taken in distinct phases that leave me cold during lathering. the worst of all is how i can feel my mind. i can feel each and every time my blood pumps through. walking, even standing up, i can feel my brain sloshing around in there. in all cases, it pushes on my skull and i cannot help but writhe. looking down causes not just pain dans moi cerebre, but my spine as well. and then looking up again causes a moment (in the manner as in physics) of relief before the back of my cranium is hit with a tidal wave.

this is a pain i know all too well. like clockwork, autumn of fifth grade i would fall upon this illness every tuesday. if i was lucky, monday night. i was only lucky once. the proof is in my german notebook. that class was scheduled for every wednesday and thursday. it was not french, but i was excited for that class. my english was by no means good, but it was something i already knew thanks to my mother, so i was excited to learn an all new language in school. i only have one wednesday in that notebook, one with a chopper-type motorcycle on the cover. my brother got a vespa on his for his first year of english in elementary school. my teacher got pregnant in december, and the city could not source us another teacher, not even of french. thus i learned nothing. except to count to twenty (in a slight twist, better than i can manage in french) and the most basics that may only be used to accidentally agree to a reckless idea or to get through passport security in frankfurt.... but their english teachers didn't get pregnant and they were not sick every mid-week, so i can just speak english to them.

this is a pain i know all too well. i was going to go to my calculus' supplemental instruction session tonight. they're reviewing for the exam on thursday. it may be of help, because even though i paid attention, had my own notes, and had the professor's notes, some of the problems seemed so foreign. but, that's not my main reason. the young lady that sits next to me was likely to go, and for the same reason as above. i don't know what i am to do here, but i will see what happens. hopefully i feel well tomorrow. i have classes to attend and quizzes to take. by some grace, my electronics professor agreed to allow me to take the quiz at home should i be unable to attend. no one knows what is going on in there, thank god. i only thank because i thought i was the problem. my prior professor didn't manage to fulfill the entire syllabus, and so i have some important gaps in my knowledge about electricity. i am doing my best to read about them, but i definitely prefer having direct instruction. for questions, clearing up misconceptions, to make the learning interesting. but thank god, no-one else seems to understand what is going on either, so perhaps the grades will be curved.

in any case, these are all pains i know well. the illness, the disappointment in life, the feeling lost because i can swear i was not taught important preliminary information. 

but then tomorrow i will feel better. i will likely do fine on my quiz, my body will likely recuperate, and perhaps i will get an answer about maybe meeting up for notes.

and relief will wash over my body//

a relief i know well, that will again rise my psyche.