thrown betwixt polar opposites of my opinions on my job due to the system i live in

well, i certainly didn't plan on making my first blog post a particularly deep, much less negative one. nevertheless, i value authenticity and honesty above all else in terms of what i can offer and put out there, so i suppose this isn't the worst place to start, given that it impacts me a lot.

for context, i work from home, on my own schedule, with clients. this undoubtedly allows me some pretty nice perks like being able to wear pajamas and eat food at work, but, nevertheless, has some drawbacks that i didn't initially anticipate.

for one, i actually kinda dislike my job. im far from alone there and i get that, i've never worked a job i've done for any other reason other than putting food on the table, but my biggest issue with my current line of work is the sheer instability in terms of income.

given that my clientele must come to me before i can perform my job, there are days where i don't make a cent, and there are days where my phone rings off the hook. given that i have points where money is pretty tight, i never actually have the luxury of denying work, despite having the right to. this puts me in one of two headspaces recently.

1. i work all day, dealing with customers on an interpersonal level that is utterly exhausting in and of itself, finding myself yearning for a break i cannot afford, or

2. i find myself uneasy and unable to actively enjoy days where work doesn't come my way, because it is my sole source of income.

i haven't personally been able to get out of this mental rut, and, while it has a relatively minor impact when compared to other aspects of my life, it certainly does lead to an unavoidable headache every now and again. i suppose i just find it frustrating that, where i live, we, as a nation, have the ability at any point to solve any resource related issue someone could be having, ranging from shelter, food, power, water, clothes, etc. but instead throw away food, cut up clothes to tattered debris before disposing of it, and leave houses empty while people are homeless all in the name of a system that actively only benefits abusers and the exploitation of workers.

i guess all i mean to say is i really wish i could have a day where i can actively exist purely for myself instead of being tossed around by a system that was never designed with the well-being of humans in mind.

sorry again for such a long winded blog post, and on such a negative topic at that for my first one. i want to use spacehey as a place to pour my heart and soul into journaling, and to express those personal views to friends and passerby, and in most cases i would prefer to talk about things as simple as what media i've been engaging with and why it holds personal value to me. although in all fairness i really can't think of a more apt summary of my cognitive function than getting side tracked for roughly 7 paragraphs rather than focusing on what i initially set out to do :P