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Category: Writing and Poetry

LAETIFICUS (Chapter 2)


The following chapter contains depictions of self harm, vomiting and suicidal ideation.

"There lies my body

Staring you in the face"

Her arms hurt. Her legs hurt. The void in her gut tingled and burned as it ached and throbbed against the inside of her skin. Every single part of her felt like it was on fire, like it was being ripped apart by a thousand needles. The tears on her cheeks were warm, but they still stung like hell as they ran down her face.

Blood dribbled from her wrists and dripped onto the floor beneath her. A pool of crimson surrounded her, spreading outwards across the ground until it reached her feet. She could feel her heart beating fast as she struggled to breathe.

Maybe she had cut too deep. Maybe she hadn't cut deep enough. She didn't know. She didn't understand what she was doing anymore. She hunched over the seat of the toilet as she felt the hot bile rise further up her throat. It was almost painful now as it came rushing up into her mouth. She gagged and coughed loudly as she retched violently into the bowl below her.

Marisa sat there on the floor of the school's bathroom, clutching her stomach as she tried to calm herself down. Her hair was disheveled, hanging limply around her shoulders. Her clothes were covered in blood, and her hand was trembling as she held it in front of her face.

"People are going to see." She thought to herself as she looked at her bloody fingers. "You can't get out of this one. You fucked up."

When people noticed this kind of thing, they'd obviously take interest. Maybe some would pity her, maybe others wouldn't. But no matter how many people saw her like this, Marisa knew that all anyone would see was a freak. A pathetic girl who couldn't control herself. Someone disgusting and unclean. They'd never look past that. Never see her for anything else.

Then, of course, the questions would start coming. Why are you hurting yourself? When did it start? How long have you been doing this? What's wrong with you? Does your family know? Why don't you stop?

It hurt. Everything hurt. Even the smallest things felt like knives twisting in her guts. She felt sick and dizzy as she lay on the cold tile floor. There was nothing left in her stomach to throw up, so she just laid there and sobbed quietly as she waited for the feeling to pass.

She wanted to die. She wished more than anything that she could just disappear, that she could vanish into thin air and leave everyone behind, never to mourn her loss. To forget about her entirely.

"...Are you alright?"

Marisa jumped slightly when someone spoke to her. Marisa could only see a nondescript pair shoes from behind the stall door, nor did the girl's voice sound familiar to her ears.

Marisa didn't know what to do. She wasn't sure whether or not she should answer the person's question. She didn't want to talk to anyone right now, especially not some random stranger. So instead she stayed silent, hoping that whoever it was would eventually go away.

"We can chat if you want. I'm just here to skip class." The girl said softly, almost like she was talking to herself. "Or not. Doesn't really matter, I guess."

"Who are you?" Marisa asked as she wiped the tears off her face. "Why are you even here?"

"Nobody important." She replied nonchalantly. "I just... well, I heard you crying in the bathroom, and I thought you might be in trouble or something. I figured I'd check up on you."

Marisa scoffed as she looked away from the door and stumbled awkwardly to her knees. She grabbed the top of the toilet paper dispenser and pulled herself up, leaning against it as she stared down at the floor.

"I'm fine." She mumbled under her breath.

"There's blood on the floor of your stall." The girl pointed out as she walked away from the door, moving elsewhere in the room. A sink began running as she washed her hands thoroughly before drying them on a towel.

Marisa bit her lip as she looked back towards the closed door. "I'm okay." She repeated, this time louder.

"Here," The girl suddenly said as something came careening over the top of the stall. "Clean yourself up. And the floor too I guess. I'll be here if you need me."

Marisa caught the black cloth in her hand as it fell down in front of her.

She wasn't sure what to make of it.

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Sometimes something strange happens.

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