a little bit of a bitch fest.

Hey wretches, 

I've really been struggling with consistently taking my antidepressants recently, I just really can't bring myself to do it. It's not like it's out of laziness, they're right there, like in arms reach more or less constantly. I even took one out of the pack a few times but ended up just dropping them in yesterday's monster to be rid of them. I promised so many people I wouldn't do this, that I wouldn't just flush my meds but I really feel like I need to. it's been like a week since I took one last. I'm mostly just putting this into the void, I feel like I just couldn't bare the shame of asking a friend or loved one to check in and make sure I'm doing it. and even if they did check, I feel like it would be so easy to lie and say I did it. this is all going to get harder when I start back at uni tomorrow. it's all eight AM trains, so I'll likely just keep "forgetting" it with the early morning starts. 

on the matter of the new academic quarter, that hope has kind of wained, I feel like something is going to go horribly wrong. I just know I am going to get another 2:2 or maybe even worse. I can't face that. I know it makes me sound so unbelievably self-important but I am very accustomed to a certain level of academic performance, and I am deeply dependent on that to hold portions of myself up. in my life a 2:1 is acceptable and a 1st is a reason to be proud. I NEED to have my desire for intelligence ratified. I know I am academically talented but I need that to be verified as oftentimes it feels like the only thing that separates me from pond scum. If I get another 2:2 on last semester's transcript I will go off the deep end, I know it.  

Sorry for the whining, I just needed to see this on (proverbial) paper. 

yours fearfully, 

Edgar.