it's very wild to me that i'm an adult now, and that in not too much time, i'll be going to college. yay! and nay
i've wanted to compile some of my feelings here as it's been a pretty confusing and anxiety-inducing time. i still very much feel like a little kid trying to find my way into the world, doing my best to fit in with the rest of the "big kids". do i want to grow up and bear the responsibilities of being an adult? hell no. i wish i was still a little kid playing kirby on my nintendo DS and hopping on roblox Nintendo Minigames (RIP) every day after school (after i got my homework done, obviously). but the days pass whether i like it or not and i just have to live with it
in about 6-7 months i'll be leaving home and transitioning from living with my parents and chilling at home to being a stressed college student trying to meet whatever deadlines i have. i'm still unsure where i'll go specifically, decisions still haven't fully rolled in. regardless, it's a pretty exciting and nerve-wracking time. i've been long awaiting to learn how to be independent, to be able to do whatever tf i want without my parents telling me what to do, to be able to go where i want, etc etc. but also the idea of leaving my parents for a while and not knowing anyone around me is pretty scary while having to adapt to college life does not sound fun as an introvert for sure. will i fit in with everyone else? maybe. will i be the same dumb bitch procrastinating on assignments and rushing to get them done at the last minute? probably. will i have totally changed after college? definitely. after all, i'll still be young. it'll be a longgg while before death comes knocking at the door (hopefully, at least)
as a kid you sort of expect to have gotten everything in control by the time you become an adult. you see other adults and think "wow! adults can do whatever they want! they know everything! i can't wait to grow up!". but then you do become an adult and like, sure you've changed a lot and have matured a lot since then, however at your core you still just feel like a little kid. you still enjoy playing the games you loved, still love to watch the cartoons you liked (or maybe hate them because they're not as good as you remember them), and might be longing for the days when you had almost no responsibilities. you realize that most people aren't any different. no one definitively knows everything or is perfect at anything like you might've thought when you were little. and that's okay. everyone is fucked up in one way or another
recently my favorite band, fall out boy, released Love From The Other Side (a hella good song). the "apocalypse" in the song apparently refers to the covid pandemic. it does make me think, it would be great if i could send a love letter to my past self. have you ever had to write a letter to your future self, something that you read a long while later to see a glimpse of what you thought back then? imagine that but receiving a letter from your future self, particularly at a hard time in your life. i would love to be able to send a love letter to my past self during the covid lockdown
pandemic-era me was stressed out, depressed, and in a horrible mental state. i recall constantly being in bed, crying all the time, with zero hope that life would ever get any better or that the world wouldn't just implode on itself. it didn't help when my parents were berating me for my declining grades in school. i felt stuck. it was a time when i desperately needed someone to reach out to me and tell me "it's going to be okay. you'll get through this awful time someday and you'll be able to look back on it feeling almost like it had all just been a bad week. things will turn out to be all right for you". i wish i could be able to do that for my past self because it would've been a tremendous help to my mental health. though it was the most mentally difficult time of my life, the pandemic changed me for the better in the end. pre, mid, and post covid me are almost three completely different people.
it turns out the most challenging periods of your life are what defines who you are, what your friends are, and what you're capable of.
now, as an 18-year-old who is soon being pushed into the realm known as "the real world", the only things i can do are to look forward, appreciate those who have always stuck with me, and occasionally cherish the memories i've made over the years. life isn't forever and time never changes its pace. it never stops, slows down, or speeds up. you grow up whether you like it or not
regardless, always love yourself. in the worst of times, never give up