hi! yes i'm still homeless and its killing me. life has seem to gotten worse and so has my mental health, though i started school last week.
school my first day was fine, got a headache in second period and went to the office to go home. when my dad came to pick me up, one of the higher ups at the school (idk her position) had some issues about the pants my brother wears to school but there is nothing wrong with them! she was bringing us into a meeting room to talk about it but i said "fuck you!" and left ._. oops, told staff to fuck off.... i didn't go Tuesday and i will explain why soon, but i went Wednesday for a whole day and it was ok. i had a free period last lesson which there is no class so i choose what i want to study, i chose art just like all my friends but it was kinda a bad idea. my bully since primary school was there and she still hates me but made it out like i hate her for no reason, plus the teacher is a bitch.
crush TW: suicide attempt so i didn't go on Tuesday because Monday night i was texting my crush till 3am (and i was tiredd), not the crush that i made bulletins about a month-ish ago, i've been in love with this guy for 4 years. i don't like that other guy anymore and he doesn't go to my school. i haven't talked to him in a year and he has become so severely depressed and suicidal and i feel so sorry for him. in between the memes we sent back and forth, he would drunkenly vent about how there is not a waking second that he doesn't think about ending it all, he even told me about his attempt on new years eve through a voice message and OHMYGOD i cried so hard. he doesn't deserve any hurt in his life. his gf broke up with him cuz she was a POS. i wish i could give him a hug and tell him its ok, he is so amazing. he actually didn't remember me at first which sent me into a spiral. an hour later he responds to a snap of mine just saying how he wishes somebody loved him and he wishes he was a good person, so i told him i loved him(cuz i do) and HE SAID HE LOVED ME TOO!!! i cried so hard oh fuck. he told me he used to think i was so pretty before he stared hanging with the wrong crowd. i could talk about him for hours but thats the gist of it.
friends also i feel like my friends have become distant with me lately. no matter how many times they say they care about me, i cant help but think they hate my guts and just want to hang with me to hurt themselves. i feel like a horrible person, i don't want to be a horrible person. i'm too scared to even talk to them or ask them for things cuz i think im a burden on them (even tho i would do anything my friends ask me to do cuz i love them) i just wish i could believe people cared about me.
mental health TW: ED, SH about my mental health, its just horrible. my eating disorder is getting really bad on the bulimia side of it, i used to think my bulimia and anorexia was this secret that no one knew of and that i could eat whatever and not gain, but its become a chore to eat and purge and starve and obsess. its killing me, its been like this for 5 years now, though sometimes i don't think i'm sick enough to be considered disordered. i'm trying to stay clean of self harm but i failed this morning.i had a friend make a pact with me that if we are both 6 months clean of sh, that we will go to eat alot of sushi. i hope i can stay clean. i hate my scars :(
music just been listening to alot of The Last Shadow Puppets and Arctic Monkeys, i love them so much!! alex turner is such a talented man who, mind you, is such a good writer, he is my inspiration. miles kane is also super amazing (hes from the last shadow puppets) his solo music is SO great!! i love the funky, dancy rock sound, he makes me so happy! i totally suggest you guys check them all out if you feel like it. i also found an arctic monkeys iron on patch at a local store yesterday, used my five finger discount (i stole it) cuz i am broke and it was only $2 lol.
so thats kinda my life update rn, if you have any questions please ask, this WILL be on the test xD