"Why are you a prick all the time?"

     I thought it would be prudent to explain my attitude as well as dishonest, not to make excuses, because I'm not apologetic when it comes to exhibiting behavior like this, but to assist those who are curious in understanding my motivations. If you don't care and just think I'm a grumpy elder or an absolute piece of shit, then fair enough, you do you! 

     What I see around me on a daily basis is dishonesty and fear, people not saying what they really think and what they really mean, to protect themselves from backlash because they really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I can empathize with both of these things, the former is understandable because it is very unpleasant and potentially life-wrecking to get the mob after you. The latter is a compassionate stance that is also commendable. There is room enough, and it is necessary, to have a greatly diverse range of perspectives and attitudes. 

     My own attitude is to tell the truth, say what I mean and mean what I say, with little regard for morality or fact. The overton window on discourse requires people willing to brave any backlash in order to shift it. If nobody went against the prevailing winds than wider discussion would always retain its boundaries and no taboo subject could ever stop being taboo. The impulse behind censorship is to prevent this shift in what is considered acceptable to discuss because the censorious do not want to have a question, explain or defend their own positions. The concept is frightening because accepting that deeply-held conviction could be entirely wrong has a profound effect on oneself, it changes your life because it changes your perspective. 

     I understand very well the emotional resistance to permit this, so I understand the motivation to censor. People like me reject this impulse when it comes to what we really feel, overcome that emotional resistance to changes in our perspective and thus will argue for things outside mainstream cultural acceptability. However, I have serious issues with having autism, thus dragging in to sensitivity. This naturally puts me quite in the precarious situation as my health, personal issues and the like clash with my values and overall beliefs. Taking fire from people of the most unkind nature for a long time, for following my values and speaking my mind, has had this long-term effect of an erosion of my tolerance to make sure people are not too hurt. Hence, I am not prepared as I am very calm and laid-back when during my downtime but when I do get people deciding to have a go at me I lash out harshly. This is because it both hurts me to be fucked with and I want to show the perpetrator the consequences of why they shouldn't. It's unpleasant to be insulted by me because I'm rather vicious and cold about it, but my viciousness reflects how much I'm actually hurt by what people say.

     I know it sounds a tad petty and a bit of a stupid idea to engage in this argumentation of contentious ideals when I'm but a mere high schooler, but as I said before, this is a conflict between my limitations as a person and the values I genuinely believe in. If only acting in service of one's own emotional comfort was the course everybody took, then I hope I don't need to explain why this wouldn't be ideal. Sometimes you have to put such considerations aside, for things that you believe are important, thing you believe are vital.

     This also might come from the fact that I always have my mother criticize me for displaying this type of behavior despite being the reason why I'm like this. There were times when people have refused to listen to me when I was all calm and supportive and insisted that I was just "downplaying", "playing victim," or whatever rabble they make up in regards to my behavior. If you all remembered the blogpost I wrote about Dangered wolf and outright insulted them at the end, I was aggressive as I was specifically for that reason. I could've been calm and loving, but because the furry fandom has had a long history with shrugging off serious issues and paint whomever calls the perpetrator out a "Drama Llama" for the sake of "preventing drama in the fandom," I knew sooner or later it was going to fall on deaf ears.

     I understand if my behavior isn't for everyone and that's okay! I honestly don't mind being seen as a grumpy old fluke from time to time, but at least I get my point across whenever and however possible. That's the end of my TED talk.

    Best Regards, 

~ MockeryLloyd