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Do you ever think…
I’m really still alive?
This life of mine is still going on.
A few minutes ago I resolved that who I am, who I was born as, is my identity. But that was a few minutes ago. I am still here. I don’t truly have to resolve anything, I can just do it. Few things in the past actually matter, because the past eats up and kills most things it touches.
Somehow, I’m a part of existence. I was born. Isn’t that astronomically crazy? Out of all the potential humans that had a chance at consciousness, I made it.
When I wake up from sleep sometimes, it hits me: oh, yeah, this again. The constant state of seeing, of understanding depth and distance, of moving against gravity, of thinking. This is the thing I have been doing forever, yet it feels brand new sometimes.
Im often held back by who I think I am. The persona I have built for myself mentally, what I perceive to be my “personality.” But that doesn’t have to exist. The whole of my life up until this moment is gone forever. And gone forever again. And with every millisecond, a grain of sand drops to the bottom of the hourglass that is my human self. Until it is completely finished, and my hour is up.
What am I really even doing? Being an animal… giving in to pleasures that evolution has decided I should enjoy… killing myself slowly.
I get to be in this realm, not know why, and will probably someday leave it. Life truly offers no quarter.
I need to stop writing about how scary it is to exist, and just go and try doing it already.
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momo's diary ♪
girl WTF ! its 7pm, im eating a sandwich, and im FIKIN TEARING UP over this. Its so beautifully worded i dont even know what to say... its scary, sad and grim yet also very heartwarming and REAL. made me think about how most ppl, including me, just tries our best not to think about the things present in your writing.
i dont think you need / want advice from some random girlie on the internet but if it makes you feel any better here goes nothin,, the last line about how you just gotta go about just existing reminded me of a thing i do to cope w feelings like insignificance and just overall fear of being. i go "caveman brain" and just do my best to do my little tasks, care for my little trinkets, care for my little self, eat my little yummers, and love the little people in my life. theres like a switch i turn off in my brain that lets me get out of it and just go be a fuckin caveman. the idea that how me, the things that make me "me" and everything around me including the people i love and have loved will one day be gone and forgotten honestly scares me; but at the same time, i have no time to be scared cuz i gotta make that life, my life, matter. matter in a sense like,, when im old and its my last day, i can confidently say that it was fun and ive have had a lot of bad days but ive had more good ones that i got to share w the people i care about. just make urself ur fave food or grab a lil snack, watch ur fave show, consume ur fave media, have a good cry after; then its on to the next day. tysm and stay safe out there racc ! <33
p.s. srry for the broken grammar n typos but u get the idea lol !!
by momo's diary ♪; ; Report
Thanks for your thoughtful comment :-) I guess I kind of took it to heart because I spent the better half of today spending some time in nature. Setting myself the small goal of simply jogging up a mountain and moving forward. Seeing the plants and animals around me each filling their microscopic niches in such a beautiful setting definitely made me feel nice. Hope all is going well for you!
by Racc; ; Report