More feelings!

Ever felt like a misfit? I know I have and I still do till this day. I'm here for you if you need to talk about when you have felt like a misfit. So you don't have to be worried. Actually... I'm not going to sugarcoat everything because being worried is normal, it's part of being a human being, but it is okay to resolve problems and have a shoulder to cry on. I'm going to tell you what is happening with me... And... Maybe you can relate (in the comments section). Here's how it starts...

So, I'm 'the new kid' at a secondary school. The teacher introduces me to someone with the same name as me and, well, he shows me aroud the school and introduces me to his friend, y'know usual new kid stuff. So in a class called food tech, this boy 1 let's call him says to boy 2 (boy 2 is one of the friends my first friend introduced me to). Boy 1 says "why are you best friends with this nerd" (I'm the nerd). Boy 2 then goes along and breaks my trust and says "oh him, he thinks I'm his best friend just because miss introduced him to the other boy with the same name as him, who is also my friend. Just because he is in our friend group doesn't mean i like him". At that moment, I felt shivers run down me, I felt cold, hot, sweaty, teary, sensitive, emotional, unwanted. I just wanted to run away and cry. The next day his friend group says suming along the lines of me not knowing what boy 2 said (obviously they would agree wih someone who has been with them since year 7, I mean I get that). I emailed the teacher who put me in their friendship group and I said " dear Mrs___, I was just wondering (and this email was proper formal), are ther any clubs available at lunch or break?". At assembly the next day she comes up to me and says (she is a very lovely teacher and I am glad to have met her) "sorry rai but there are not any clubs available exept from drama" and then she said "rai...? is someone giving you a hard time?". I thought to myself like WAT I told my mum not to call the year head like this! But then I wondered, it does look quite suspicious if I wanted to go away from people at the beginning of my school experience. Now at that moment I felt really sad and she could see it in my eyes she said"I'm not going to talk about it just yet because I can see that you feel very let down" so I say "I feel alone, they don't make me feel wanted". She said to me "I'm sorry I didn't think that they would make you feel like this".

So assembly is finished and it is lunch break. I am stood by myself, having these visions of me by myself, being a loner, eating lunch on a bench and no-one wants to sit next to me. That lovely teacher comes up to me again and says "let's walk" and then she asks me what happened, she asks which friends I am best with in lessons, I say who I am friends with, blah blah blah. She says "ooo yes this student is very nice, he is very nice indeed", so I meet him at the library, and we talk. I finally found a friend who understands me! 

What I have learnt in life: DO NOT TRUST ANYONE! They could easily turn on you (people at my old school thought I betrayed them so they didn't talk to me at all and while I was at their school still they tried to ignore me as much as they could). 

Find a trusted adult and chat with them. Tell em how ye feel. I know that me being a shy person won't help me in life, so I get out of my comfort zone.

plz believe in yourself! I beg you! I've done worser things where I had felt guilty for absolutely no reason. But it just gets to you.

I've dealt with everything wrong, I mean like: being on my phone all night drowning the sorrows and feelings, being sick to my stomach feeling guilty, not being able to sleep, wishing bad things. I've been there but I'm working things out.

I would like to hear your story. I want to feel belonged, I want to feel appreciated. I don't want to feel like a loner anymore. I don't want to be looked down on anymore. I just want to be me, a teen boy who copes by himself, keeps to himself, and doenst want any trouble, who doesn't want to judge anyone. I hate it when people judge other people, like, come one they ain't even got a right to make someone feel left out and ashamed. 

I'm reading now... It helps me cope with feelings that I can't control. It helps me survive. It helps me disappear into my own world by myself.