feelings n shit

i guess ima have to fucking type this shit out cause im getting nothing motherfucking done. 

this man was the only one to smoke a fucking blunt with me while i hit the bottom of the motherfucking barrel.

this man gave me criticism then too and goddamn if there isnt often a fucking point but at the same time could literally anyone be grateful that im not still shooting fucking dope. 

i didnt have the same goddamn starting line as anyone else i know. 
I wasnt the bitch from bell road. 
i was the bitch who lived in her first hotel at the age of like 8. 
i was the bitch who lived in her first CRACK motel at roughly 13. 

I dont wanna hear about no fucking bell road. 
im tired of the fucking criticism that comes from out of peoples asses. 
Ive been trying while people tell me there is no try 
i fucking get it already. but my body is exhausted. 
and sometimes you win. and sometimes you lose. these are games i didnt really feel like playing. and thats any of them. im not a competitive person. im jilted. i feel bad often.

i have no desire to climb the ladder. i also have no desire to fill my hands with c0ck. 

i want to go take pretty pictures in the fucking snow. but im stuck here. 
why am i stuck here. 
what am i holding onto
why am i stuck. here. 


perhaps it was the consistent and dire need to convince you it wasnt about sex i was in love with you. 
damn i did a great job of showing it did i not. 
i also just didnt really ask to be uh. well talking in memes. 

but you didnt start it. well i didnt start it either. 
remember showing me jurassic?

subtext is for cowards and all of us are afraid. 
and im half of a coward to say the least. im tired of living like this. 
i dont want to die. 
i just want this pattern to stop. i lost you. my actions have their consequences. i still feel you watching me and i dont know anymore. 
can i not grieve and feel guilty behind closed doors?
 i dont consider you a "rockstar" youre you.

this man the only one to smoke a blunt with me and keep his hands off me when i hit the bottom of the fucking barrel.