seventeen

last year i turned 16 years old. which means that this year i turn 17 years old. and that doesnt really seem like a big deal. but 17 is one year closer to 18, and 18 is 2 years from 20. at 17, atleast in my country, you can drive. at 16 you can have sex. at 18 you can buy a house, you can drink publically, get most jobs. 17 is scary. 16 is scary. i still feel 12. i dont feel old enough to be an adult yet and i know the next 4 years of my life are going to go so quickly that i will blink one day soon and it will be my 18th birthday. then my 20th. and im scared. im not scared of dying or aging. im scared of becoming nothing. i have only got 2 years to prove to my friends and family that i am not going to become nothing. i dont want to go to university. all my friends do. so i feel like i have to because without it, ill be the only one who didnt go and therefore i will only see myself as stupid and unqualified. i dont know what im going to do with my life. i dont even know if ill get into college let alone university. i want to be a police officer or a photographer but i know the likelihood of me becoming a customer services worker is way higher than the likelihood of me becoming either of those. i dont know what im going to do. i dont want to become nothing. im not asking to be famous or rich, i just want to be successful at something and enjoy it atleast a tiny bit. 

please, future me, dont become nothing.