earnestness and vulnerability and faith

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Every day lately I have to remind myself to step faithfully into earnestness and vulnerability. 

Every day I remind myself to stop hiding behind circular dialogue or useless words and say what I really mean. I remind myself to keep things simple and let there be room to breathe. Not every thought I have has to be a new one and not everything I say has to be profound and not every feeling I have has to go somewhere because sometimes I need to get to a dead end and just sit there. Sometimes I have to refresh myself with honesty and say, I am sad because I wish this never happened, and some days I wish I could live in my memories forever, but I can’t change a thing so I remind myself just to sit there and be with it. That is all I can do.

I’m deeply grateful to have my friends. I haven’t cared about much else for a while. I am also grateful for my health. I have been trying to navigate the inevitable fragility of these things lately. 

I think this ties back into the vulnerability and the earnestness. I’ve had a desire to lay myself entirely on the line in everything that I do. I don’t always do it but I’m trying. I want to be naked and bleeding and vulnerable and trust that still, all will be well. I know that right now, as I navigate the impermanence of my life and my relationships, the more sincere and vulnerable and honest I can be with myself and the world around me, the more meaningful everything becomes, because I am doing it all holistically. I am doing everything as myself, entirely, honestly, faithfully.

Lately I’ve been really into using the word faith. I think to put faith into something means just trusting it and trusting that it will lead to something good even when it seems impossible but still choosing to hold tight anyway. I have to remind myself every day to be faithful to life and to goodness and to love. I am faithful to all of these things.

Ok that is all. Gonna go to sleep now but Shout out to my girls.  Shout out to my pookie. I love you all forever

GOODNIGHT!

silly girl OUT