diary 8 - lucky sue

01.29.22

How many times can I listen to Oncle Jazz before I get sick of it? Trick question.

I really love Men I Trust. I love their music so much. Its just, perfect. And it gets me in so many ways. It inspires me and I always wanna write when i have it playing. its so comforting i can listen to it while i sleep, but it also makes me feel emotions i can only get out by writing..

i'm restricting again. btw. i feel like thats relevant seeing as i may or may not be in a complete brain rot sesh right now. i had 950kcal today so i'm gonna fast tomorrow. i was too embarrassed to post it to my food log, but. there it is. 950 calories. 500 were slices of my mom's homemade pizza that i completely pigged out on. it tasted so fucking good, so it wasnt a complete waste. but wow. i have so little self control.

in the past 11 days i've had 11,484 calories. According to my BMR I should be eating 20,900. So thats 54.94%. I'm eating a little more than half the calories I would for maintaining. its funny. i felt a bit better about it seeing 11,484 compared to 20,900, but seeing it as only 54.94% i feel like shit again.

 i feel so terrible. i am so fucking tired. last week was midterms and immediately after my tests i would go home and spend the rest of the day and night in bed. unable to do anything. open my laptop to work on the work i need to do to save my grades and end up sitting at my desk for hours, just scrolling on my phone. that's actually what i'm doing right now. i started working on my essay at 9pm and it is currently 4:26am. Wanna know what I wrote? The heading and half a paragraph. That's 7 hours. 7 fucking hours. Of doing absolutely fucking nothing. Its hilarious because I actually wasn't on my phone this time. I was just fucking, inside my head. Which might be worse. At least with my phone I can blame it on social media addiction, but this? getting lost in my own delusions? its pathetic. 

my partners in my group wanna meet tomorrow at around 10am to critique eachothers essays. I need to have this done by then. Not just for me but for them. I'm not gonna be the stupid lazy group member who leaches off everyone else.

But i dont have anything. I know what to say, thats easy. but I dont have the research. I just dont have fucking anything. I dont have sources to pull quotes from and so i have an essay filled with (insert quote here)'s. its so pathetic.

And this isnt even the only work I have to do. I have a lab for physics, a makeup test for physics, a take home test for Latin, 7 RAVENS and 7 argument analyses for sem, and however fucking much makeup work i have to do for gym seeing as i'm physically disabled and the world wants to punish me.

and its hilarious because i dont even feel any urgency. which is the exact opposite of 2 weeks ago, where i was so stressed out about my work i had to drink alchohol before bed because my heart kept beating so hard from all the adrenaline. Now? nothing. I am stressed out of my mind but my body wont just go into work mode. there's no kick. i dont have any adrenaline. my body is so disconnected from my mind. Consciously, I know I'm hungry. I know the feeling my stomach is making. But am i Hungry? No. It's like a secondary hunger, like someone else is hungry and i'm subconsciously aware of it. Its weird. But maybe since its been so long now i dont even feel the hunger. I'll fast tomorrow and see what i feel. i'm so fucking freezing. I'm wearing a sweatshirt and have a blanket but i'm still fucking frozen. my hands are completely red.

my knee hurts. i went on a walk today at a park nearby, and of course everything is covered in snow, so it was a bit more difficult than normal. the snow is so fucking bright in the day, i have to have all the window blinds drawn and cant look outside till it gets darker. so i left at like, 4pm. and of course, the sun sets fast. so by the time it was around 6pm it was pretty dark and i needed to really hurry back home, so i over did it on my knee. and now it aches.

i feel like i'm starting to fall asleep. but its 4:41am and i still need to finish my essay before 10am. and i'm on the last track of oncle jazz :*(