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[Journaling](Day 6) Frage ich auch mich.

This day was a fucking trainwreck.

Got the luck of starting a couple hours later, our algorithmics teacher was still sick. Now did I get more sleep or not, I don't know. Still, I get to see the sunlight when I wake up, which is something I really enjoy.

Got to class in the cold, really cold, and was very happy to get inside the building. Rushed up to my class, something called Expression Techniques. To say it is boring would be an understatement. I did however have a presentation to make, this time on communism. Went a bit worse than I expected, which the teacher sure made sure to let me know. Pretended to thirst from talking over for so long to go and get another cut in the bathroom. Back in class, I just spent the rest of it playing chess or whatnot. Really, it was extremely uninteresting. We did get handed over a few pages from the Economix comic, which is however pretty cool. I did learn a thing or two. But that's the point of it.
This whole thing ended at approximately noon, the time at which I went out to grab a sandwich at the local grocery store. Took less than usual. Ideally, at one point I'd need very little food during the day. Fewer calories, less expensive. I'll take it.
Got back, and slouched over next to an older student that was lying on the couch in the entry hall of the campus. He's usually energetic but seemed off today. Tiredness from their end of the semester, or maybe stress from past exams. Who's to say. I sure didn't know. But I couldn't care. Got too much on my plate already.
Guess that's what I get from trying to carry my own weight in problems on my shoulders. I crumble like a fucking crouton. That'll teach me.
Soon after a bunch of his friends arrived and surrounded me. One of them I really appreciate, the others, less so. They were loud and talked a lot. I took part in a side convo about my future in this school. The one I appreciate was encouraging and nice, but there was the other one, who seemed to revel in telling me I'm really not that well off. Well, thank you, asshole.
All the while, a couple of others made fun of the pictures of another male student who painted his nails. Called him a fag. Tried and ask them if it was a problem in any shape or form. They avoided the question.

After a while did they all leave somewhere, so I left for some peace myself. Ended up moving from place to place until I received a dm about my friend telling me she was in a room close by. Knowing her, there was no one else but her in the room, which was exactly the maximum amount of people I could bear at the moment. Caught a bathroom/cut break on the way. And then we both sat there in silence, her working on the programming practicals, me lollygagging around and doing about nothing of any use. And it stayed that way for about 4 hours until came about a message saying a planned meeting with the headteacher that was supposed to take place at 1700 was moved back to 1615. I saw the message at 1622. I flew down the stairs, just to arrive and be told that it was no pressing matter and we had some time ahead of us.
So the whole point of it was asking me about my state and if I was ok. This was a follow-up on my asking for the help resources last day. He asked me if I would be okay, and I, in perfect theater kid form, reassured him that I would be. I'm so good at this. He recommended I call the protestant home he told me about a few days ago so I could go on a rendezvous for help tomorrow. I didn't do it. I looked their website up and their... Philosophy, I would say, is not the one I seek. Too religious, to say the least.

Afterward, I was exhausted enough from this day that I had to take a break. Went back up, grabbed my stuff, and moved over to another room that was slightly dark, a bit large, with a couch, and completely empty. There I sat, in the dark. I tried and dialed the number for another student help organization, but I ended up curled up in a ball with my phone lying on the table in front of me, number was dialed in but I was unable to make the call. I just couldn't. And as my chest tightened and my breath shortened, I gave up and just put on some relaxing yet melancholic music.

Not 20 minutes later, I moved to my Russian class, after a couple bathroom cuts. My arm's kinda sore, but at this point, what do I care. Today, we learned about nationalities. It's interesting, and I would've followed the class were I not completely tired out by all the interactions I had today. I had one wish, and it was to go back home and rest. And so did I. Class ended at around 1915, the air was very cold. Caught bus after bus, and eventually got back home, where I took a well-needed shower. Since then I've been sitting here either at my computer or at my table, watching youtube. I cracked at some point in the evening and told my friend about what I'd been doing to myself. Shouldn't have, dumping shit like that ain't nice, but on the other hand, kinda lifted some weight off of me.

I now stand in front of my computer, typing this blog post for the second time as I erased the first by accident.

This day brought me more cuts, exhaustion, and a sudden urge to eat some lead, nicely topped off by another layer of self-hate. I'm on a roll.

It is then tired and barely keeping it together that I end this post. Tomorrow... I don't want to think about tomorrow.

Good night, lone reader. May this upcoming day find you rested and in peace.

no matter what pattern of choices you make, they all lead to the same ending. thats cause it was always my choice to make, not yours.

and i was always gonna choose the sword regardless of what hoops you tried to make me jump through.

for all thats been made of “free will”, and the significance of my choices versus yours, the funny thing is, i dont think it was ever much of a choice for me at all. - Zhen, Psycholonials

Laporte, Signing Off. Godspeed.

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