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I'm in the middle of finding out what to decide, who I am, and what I'm gonna be.

Part I.

But my biggest question is my sexual orientation, when I was 15 I realized I might be interested towards guys, but I'm denying because It's against my religion and culture here (I live in Indonesia and the majority of the religion is Muslim) and I'm Muslim too, and at that time I was so disgusted by the whole homosexual thing, and I was told by my family member to not partake in any homosexual related stuff, They told me to be careful of the influence, and I'm still like "of course I wouldn't those are disgusting, how can you possibly fuck or get fucked up there" and here I am having a crush towards a dude.

Part II.

January 2022, The re-opening of school since pandemics, I was lifeless, I don't want to make any friends, but my classmates are friendly, so yeah I got along, at that time I already have friends I met through online classes, so yeah a lot of friends yay! (I wasn't too happy about it), since I don't like some of them but who am I to judge. And one of my friend kind of introduced me to this person he's like so my type, we hangout a lot until my mom is mad at me, I'm denying my feelings for him for a few months, and by the time he got a girlfriend, at first i was not jealous, but it makes me agitated eventually, and I decided to cut him off since we were not talking anymore for some reasons.

Part III.

I was so devastated, all my task are undone, my life progress isn't progressing, the plants isn't watering itself. days go by, I decided to go get a girlfriend since I thought "maybe It's because i don't have a relationship with a girl for a long time", it didn't workout instead I'm just breaking her heart because of my curiosity, I'm free to blame. 

I was so clueless, i don't know what to do, how to cope, I'm at my lowest point of my life, Nobody essentially knew that i'm gay, I just tell 2 people that I might be interested in male.

Part IV.

My final thought is accepting who am I, the consequences? we'll see because nobody knows,  but I'm not coming out not because I'm afraid, I just don't have time too prepare mentally because I have school stuff too deal with, and it's harder to come out here, third world country with a super religious belief, don't get me wrong i really love my religion and it's beauty in kindess and purity and i respect everything about it.

End.

Major thanks too myself and Harvey Guillen, Your authenticness and true to self inspired me to accept who I am, being homosexual and live in harsh environment is not easy but you inspired me!!!! lots of love<3