ranting

i never have caffiene and i did today and im super chatty and annoying all my friends to death so i decided im just gonna log all my thoughts here loloolol this may not be coherent,, if u read this id love 2 hear what u have to say abt it/relate 2

i miss sharing cigarettes with them

i miss sharing cigarettes with a lot of people actually

i miss so many people that i dont have in my life anymore. people that i definitely cant have in my life even the ones ive made amends with. i like to picture making amends as putting flowers on a grave. thats how i visualize it. 

i am flowers taken from the grave

i feel like missing people is hitting me like a ton of bricks rn. i think it stems from me just losing a friend. i dont even miss them like i miss some of the other people. not that i dont miss them a lot i think my point is that its making me spiral into an unrelated feeling.

i am seeing city morgue!! im so excited audgjahsuiaudhjaksdwwaslkd i cant stop thinking abt it. im such a poser tho i only know their most popular songs rn but im working on it. someone else bought the tickets and i wasnt like super super into them but i used to listen to them a lil bit so i agreed 2 go and such. but very excited now that im listening to them more in preparation!! i love live music i dont think i could live without it. god im thinking of leaving the punk scene just cause i dont honestly know where i stand politically anymore and i need to do more research and stuff. i have such a hard time understanding politics and economics and shit like that. i used to have like a political mentor kinda but they turned out to be kinda a bad person. 

i miss having a lot of friends. even friends i kept at arms length. i believe in quality over quantity but yk it was nice to be detached and just have fun. i didnt used to need friends for mental support really but now i do so thats not quite ideal but yk in a perfect world i wouldnt need that. i love having that connection with people that relate though. 

im texting so many people rn. no one id regret texting. thats a lie actually one person i kinda regret texting but yk what its fine. i tend to do this when i get into moods of being super social and chatty and then regretting the shit out of it cause i isolate a lot. but kinda motivates me to not isolate cause i dont wanna leave people on read/delivered. 

i love mom jeans. the band not the pants. i am getting back into midwest emo and its bringing so many good memories back. 2019 when i was super into it was such a good year for me. i got so much freedom and that was before everything kinda went to shit

i want someone to sing to me. 

im a hopeless romantic tbh

i want someone to sing sappy (the demo version) by nirvana to me. actually that might just be kurt idk if its nirvana. 

i think its so romantic and intimate to sing to someone. theres so much vulnerability in that. i think one of the most romantic things thats ever happened to me is being posted to everlong by foo fighters. the part that is "if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again". or being picked up like a baby and carried outside to smoke weed. i wont stop talking about the smoking weed one. probably cause it was recently and it was just so.//.,,,, unique?? idk what the word im looking for is.

i really need to do school i have about 20 missing assignments. i cheat on like everything so itll go by fast but im just sooooo burnt out. im wokring on it though. i do school from home on edgenuity, which apparently is like notoriously awful at teaching kids. like i heard theres articles about it but i havent actually read any articles on it. and all my friends that use it say they dont understand a lot of the time/its really tedious and thats discouraging. 

i love making playlists. according to spotify i just made my 96th one LOL

a while ago i was invited to join a drag group thats a punk drag group and i was so excited but then i found out the main person who runs it is kinda a peehead and said some fucked up stuff. like racist stuff. so that kinda sucks, but ive been encouraged to preform w them anyways cause its such a great opportunity. which i agree with, but also they havent reached out to me since i had to go to residential treatment so idk if they even remember LOL.

i was gonna say something else but i got distracted by rob zombie coming on.

i dont think any of my friends besides one person knows my diagnoses. i would tell them if i didnt think it might drive them off LOLOL but yk it would help explain some of my behavior

i think im out of things to say but ill make another one of these if i think of something else i just have to get outta my system