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Category: Life

From The Beginning...

Over the years, I've noticed a few things about myself. One of them being that there is CLEARLY something wrong with my mental health and the fact that I've never gotten treatment is telling about society and the control our parents and adults in our adolescent lives can influence us into our adulthood. I can honestly say that I've gotten myself more help than anyone else has even attempted to do for me and that extremely telling. I'm going to discuss my upbringing, my spiritual journey, and just talk about my life and hopefully I can reach someone who needs the reassurance that everything works out in it's own time. 

My mental health has been my top priority lately. I've tried therapy, medications, everything under the sun and NOTHING has brought me closer to my higher self more than spirituality and my awakening. I'm STILL going through it....now i know that this happens multiple times in our lifetimes and I've come to realize that in order for me to truly get down to the truth of why I am the way I am and how my upbringing has affected me.. I need to start from the beginning. 

This was intended to be a diary entry but I feel like me sharing my story might help a few people so I'm making this public.
 
To top things off: At home things we're FAR from normal.
My mom was constantly fighting with my Dad on the phone about him not waning to claim me as his child and spend time with me. She told me he didn't want me years later when I was an adult but back then, I had no idea. Anyways, these conversations would always turn into explosive arguments. She would throw things, she would scream, she would cry....sometimes she'd take her anger out on me but I only ever wanted to comfort her.
She would sleep a lot. Whenever I asked to go to the neighborhood pool or play with friends she'd say no because her head was hurting. I'd say I want to go to Disneyland and she'd promise me and it never happened. My naive, optimistic self still had hope though haha. Anyways, there were moments where I would do something wrong or something small would make her extremely angry... sometimes explosive... she would throw things near me (NEVER DIRECTLY AT ME), she would yell at me or tell me I'm bad for these small inconveniences but would never explain why. 
There was a point where I lied to her about something, I don't remember what it was but she was calm and said lying was bad and to not do it. Starting in middle school, these explosive episode kept happening and I learned to just keep bad things to myself. Whether it was a bad grade or me staining my shirt during lunch. I would Lie, Lie, Lie out of fear of getting yelled at or hurt. Then, I didn't realize that was why but now it makes loads of sense.She was holler at me and call be a habitual liar which wasn't true. I was an honest person who just scared of my mom....My stomach literally just dropped saying that.)  At this time, I was going back and forth from my Dad's house back to my Mom's. Every time I brought him up, she would roll her eyes, sigh, and express disbelief that I even want to see him. She had always expressed resentment towards him and even to this day, still tries to convince me to stay away but he's more of a father to me now than in my childhood and forgiveness goes a long way. Everyone deserves a second chance. That's a story for another blog..
This dynamic would continue for years to come. 

There's so much to the story but I can only talk about o much at one time. 

ENTRY #2 will start where I left off so stay tuned ! 

So yeah, my home life consisted of fights, screaming, crying, and a lot of time in my room by myself. 


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