1/24/23 two days no nicotine

Quitting nicotine.

Quit cold turkey like last wednesday but also took hits while drunk last thursday and also saturday and sunday (sunday while high). 

Today was like pretty emotional. Good morning, woke up at 8am. Then, first class and lunch I stayed on campus and that was chill. In the morning and at lunch I watched some Dr. Stone which is banger. But then I get to my lab class, but then there isnt a lab today and I meet my old lab bro and we catch up. But then I kinda fuck with him and he takes it as just mean.

This kinda was like fuck what the fuck do I do now, I couldve explained myself in the moment but "dont care" enough to. Its always this "i dont care" mentality thats fucking with me. I do care, just dont want to exert the effort needed to do something about it.

So then I tried reading this boring ass fucking 15 page research paper and just like couldnt obviously cause fuck that, no subway surfers on the bottom screen type shit. Then I walk home and am like "fuck life man, why do I even keep living"

Like in retrospect it makes no sense, but when Im in that suicidal state its so easy to think it makes so much sense not to keep going on. Its so hard to realize that there are times where life doesnt feel like shit and where I can finally relax and chill out.

Im not sure if its from the quitting nicotine thing or not, likely its multiple things.

I saw this thing on twitter though that was like: stop blaming everyone for your problems, and start blaming one person you hate for everything. So, maybe I should just blame all my mental health problems on the lack of nicotine. But it seems to dangerous to do that, cause I'm not a fucking doctor and dont know what the actual reasons are. But also, what the fuck does a doctor know anyways, people are so fucking stupid its insane. I would not want myself diagnosing me even if I was a fucking doctor. But maybe even if everyones dumb as fuck, it will still cause good changes in me. Anyways, the other reason its a dangerous thing to blame one thing, is that when I know for a fact the withdrawals arent to blame, then what?

Also, the thought that I'm worthless and everyone hates me and I dont have any friends and Im so alone and no one really ever wants to talk to me and that if i stopped hitting people up they would never reach out and hit me up and then after i graduate and dont physically see these people every week then they will disappear and ill be alone and the new people i meet at my job or through other ways will do the same thing.

Yeah that whole mumble is also running through my head at least once every hour. It leads me to just isolate myself in my room. Maybe I should hit up a friend, but once again, I dont want them to hate me and leave me and then im alone. Maybe I should get a therapist, but something is stopping me from it. I hope I get better.

Anyways, I'm gonna finish reading that paper, do a light workout, go grocery shopping with my good friend, and chill out and watch dr stone and play fortnite. 

I'll be okay

-ben