Today after receiving my terrible grade for Spanish (62) I did some hardcore reflecting on my life and came to the conclusion that I am selfish. I always knew it but never wanted to think hard about it until now. My friends are better than me and that upsets me greatly because I am selfish. My friends are failing math and Spanish but still have a higher grade nonetheless and it’s been like this since forever. The only time I ever felt “better” is with my best friend who was moved but now she’s gone and I am at the bottom of the chart for everything. My friends always get everything I want, that I feel worthy of and I never get a thing. People always hit on my friends as I bitter laugh in the corner secretly hoping someone would flirt with me too one day. My friends always get better grades. Even if were all failing their grades are still higher than mines in every way and I hate them all because of it. Im bitter and selfish and a hypocrite at times but is that really bad? Of course not many people enjoy being around a selfish bitter hypocrites but that’s when they’re open about it. I always smile off my jealousy and act happy for them and most of the time I am but sometimes Im really mad especially when I put the same amount of work in and they’re still better. How is that even fair? Even possible? But really is it wrong to believe I deserve better? Im a petty person and i try my hardest not to be. I really do love my friends but I drive myself insane with self-hatred that seeps through my perception of others. I just wish these thoughts could go away and I could be happy for my friends without being sour in my head but really if Im not selfish then who else would be there to make me think Im worth anything? I am my own best friend at times and maybe these feelings just come with that. I fantasize for a world where I can love myself and everyone else but I dont think that world will come soon and I don't think ill even make it to see this world. I want to live in my own head where Im perfect even though my view of perfection has been so warp and muddied with my trauma but its beautiful to me. Others may look at me disgusted if I described my fantasies and the kind of world I want but I think its the only way I’d want to live. If it keeps me sane in this life it must be great to live that way, right? Anyways I plan to at least live to summer break but school is getting in the way of these plans. I cant have shit, can I? But ill always have my head and my head is my only true friend. Why? Because it tells me everything I want to hear (sometimes). It’s a crowded disgusting mess but its my mess and I love it (and need it)
So what’s the answer to my question? Personally I dont think it’s too bad to be selfish and greedy as long as you dont burden others with it. It’s all just apart of or sick and twisted human nature is it not so its better to embrace it than to be ashamed because if you’re constantly trying to shove down these natural instincts you’ll go insane!
(Bonus/kind a note for myself: Today was my last day with my therapist (can you tell? ^^) They all leave me but Im sure you can tell why. Im not sure when Ill be getting another one)