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Saturday January 21st 2023,Β
I've sat and thought for a while. My life is shitty. Life in general is shitty. If I'm being honest I'd rather die then have to stay one more second on this damn planet. I mean of course I've lied to my therapists and parents. I don't want help. They'll think I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. Life is like a never ending loop where in the end its always the same. Maybe life is meant to be shitty. Maybe I'm meant to kill myself, but do I want to? Kinda. Will I? Most likely not. I'm too scared to die. Death scares me but doesn't. I want to be ok. I know I need help but I don't want it. Maybe I can pray tomorrow. Will it help? Who knows. It's worth a shot. Maybe Angel and Lani will listen or I could talk to Merry. I miss Merry... we haven't talked in a bit. It makes me sad. Then again I haven't reached out. Maybe I should. I will. 100% will tell Merry everything. Kaila too. Fuck I love them both. Marley only texts for drama. Jack is... Jack. Cayden, Grady, Ariel, and Alex are just mmm... I miss them. I miss 7th grade. Good year. I want that. I love them all. But fuck- Now I'm gonna talk bout them... My dad's side. I almost killed myself at the age of 7 due to them... They don't care about me. Never have, never will. Newt loves me I hope. I'm not ok. I know that... I never will be ok, ever. I know that. But if I'm being honest I really don't care. I like who I am. Not really but I can.! I enjoy talking to myself. Well not myself. Whoever sees this. Anyone who cares TBH. Honestly I'm numb. I'm done being pushed around. Now I'm rambling and I hate it. I hate me. I'm a whore, slut, bitch, a dog. What the fuck ever. Will someone be the Arron Burr to my Hamilton and just shoot me already? Or I could play a Conner from Dear Evan Hansen and hang myself. I have rope. That would be silly. That would be fun! I see my expired pill bottle- Maybe I could OD and die. Nah Tom know how to save me. I could not eat. Cut. Burn. Lots of shit. Will I though? No. I'll hide and play pretend. Act like they never took my picture. Act like he didn't almost rape me when we were alone. Act like he didn't touch me. Act like he didn't sexually assault me. Just act ok all the time. Like nothing bad ever happened. I hate men they scare me... My dad beat women. JJ was a perv. Tony touched me.. Ashton my ex sexually assaulted me and tried to rape me... Fuck I have come a long ass way. Trusting people us hard. Then Tom came. He made it better. He gave me a dad. A safe space. He's amazing. Father of the year. Anyways bed time I'm tried.
-Suki
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Bro what
Skarze
i understand- i understand all of it honestly. i know the pain of pretending nothing ever happenes to you everyday and not know how to do anything about it. that feeling of being crazy but knowing you arent- just knowing that ur hurt and want love- want things to be better. i get the internal back and forth- the never quite trusting the words you say or how you feel. i understand every waking second and feeling you feel bc ive been through it myself. honesly i wont say it gets better because i dont know if it ever will- shit always feels- well shitty- and it feels like nothing could ever possibly help you. What i will say is- stay a little while longer- just a little while longer- because someone is waiting to love you a whole bunch. Someone- hell who knows how many people are waiting to give you love, support, and a safe space to say things like this without being judged. ive meet those people- and theyve helped me so much- ive been that person to others- and i love them more than i ever thought i could. so please- from one person in the same situation as you- just please please please hold on a little longer. my words may seem empty and hollow because of the pain- how every uplifting word just feels like another soulless plea from a sea of people who will never understand a fraction of the pain of what its like to be you. That feeling is valid. So if you feel that way you dont have to force yourself to listen to my words- but at least hear me. someone is waiting for you- dont take away their chance to meet the best person theyll ever meet.
John Maduin
Horrible would be an understatement when describing what happened to you. I may not know you, but I wish you well, and hope your life gets better from here on out. I've also been through hell. Personally, I found that once I became an adult + moved out, my life got better. That could be something for you to look forward to in your future, to keep you going. In the meantime, getting therapy would likely be in your best interest, though if you don't think you're ready to open up to a therapist, you could also try keeping a diary or talking to someone you trust about your feelings. From what I read in your post, there are people in your life who care about you and want to help you get better.
However, in the future, you should at least consider keeping your struggles between you and people you trust, as there are nasty folks out there who will take notice and prey upon you when you're vulnerable. There is a feature on SpaceHey that allows you to create blog posts that are only visible to people on your Favorites list; I highly recommend you use this feature in the future for vent posts, to keep yourself safe.
Kiwi_slug
slay
xxRebellious_Emmaxx
Depression is a powerful demon, don't let it win. I completely understand your fears of being labelled crazy, but stay strong. I promise you things will get better at some point.
SaDGuRLll777
My thoughts and words might not be enough like me I'm never enough lol but I feel you every word I feel the same way and I want to say it well get better which it might not but one things forsure your strong and being strong is important. If your stuck in this world might as well make the best of it
V.Exe
I'm sorry this happened to you. Sending virtual hugs to you <3
Ethanol
Thanks
3v3ry1.Luv$.T!y@h
You are such a strong person and even though i dont know you i love you and want you to know that these feelings are valid and ok to feel don't feel like you should hide it, it'll make it worse so try to work towards getting a therapist, only if you want tho def no pressure hun <3
toki ;3
please get help, spacehey isnt a safe place to post public stuff like this. this is definitely alarming and should be seen as a red flag, so for your own safety i'll be reporting this to a safe line, nd' a cps line. You obviously aren't stable and you need help, i hope the resources that are given to you will help. I am sorry for what happened to you but spacehey isnt the place to post this stuff, no1 on here is rlly gonna help and support you so pls be careful.
vincorocks
overcome your traumas life is beautiful for those who see it beautiful people without legs and are happy blind and the strangest thing idiots are the happiest people in the world be a little idiot and you will see happiness
jessy
that breaks my heart, im so sorry all of that stuff happened to you :((
sila <33
Iβm literally so sorry u went through all of that, you sound like a great person and u did not deserve this! Life will get better soon, I promise. Everything will be okay. Donβt call yourself names:( Iβm sending u all my love<3
vinneapolis
I'm sorry you experienced all that... You sound so sweet π§
Awe thanks
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