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Category: Life

[Journaling] (Day 2) Space Magic?

Another day, another doing fuck all at best.

Woke up somewhat earlier, at 10 this time. Despite being willing to go back to bed, a ping on discord caught my eye, and there I was, caught in the literal web of the web. Pun intended.

Spend yet another day doing nothing. I did try to work on my classes for the day, but I just couldn't get to it. I'm struggling to find any motivation. So instead, I did what I always do. Started up a game, binge-watched some Let's Plays, and listened to music. Anything but being productive, all in all. I really hate myself.

Tomorrow's an exam. I'm not ready, but it is too late to bother. My father asked me several times if I wanted help over a voice call. I denied. I'm not going to ask help to my parents. Asking friends is already damaging enough.

So I ended up loathing myself for 12 hours straight and then some. At least if there's one thing I'll do right, it will be to fail this year.

On better news of little significance, one of my favourite artists published a new single. As always with them, it's really odd and weird to listen to at first, but after a point, you get into it and really appreciate it. Taurus by Haken, should any of you wonder. On the same page, my favourite YouTuber ever posted a video as well, one I've been waiting for for a couple months. It was extremely funny and I had a great time. Will recommend.

On better news of bigger significance, I finally told myself I needed to see a therapist, as I see these little red lines spread. Now, this ain't an "I'm going", it's an "I should go". Still better than nothing, I guess.
I'll try and see with the school administration tomorrow if I find either the courage or if someone pushes me through. If I don't... Well guess we'll keep going as we always do, won't we? It also would be a great start towards fixing all the other little problems I feel and all the little problems I am.

On better news of some significance overall, I decided not to let myself starve, and actually got the strength to cook some pasta. True that a whole weekend on like a bowl of cornflakes and 4 pieces of whole bread is not what I would assume is proper calorie intake. Oh well, might keep doing it, I need to lose some weight. Also, I even ate some 

So in the end, what did today bring me? Well, a good video, a good new song to listen to, another layer of feeling insignificant compared to the size of the world (thanks Veritasium); but also the title to a song I was trying to find, 10 wasted hours on trying to install Witcher 3 on Linux, and finally a strengthened ease at drawing red lines. I still hate myself for the way I spent my day, but my dinosaur brain didn't complain, I guess I won that.

It is then clean, fed, and sorrowful that I end this post. I still feel as bad as the last time I tried to post about myself (less than 24 hours ago). I hope I'll get better after making this a habit if it sticks.

Good evening, lone reader. May you have a fantastic end to your Sunday or a merry start of your new week, should you read this in the early or late hours of your Monday morning.

It's time to wake up and die or regenerate
If you're part of me
Quit me now
We're never gonna reform if we replicate - Haken, The Alphabet of Me

Laporte, signing off. Until next time.

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