sleepy at 4 AM also teddy bears also touch starved

im so tired so why aren't I sleeping yet I guess I usually pass tf out around 5 am so I'll give myself another hour or two. I will play roblox out of boredom. also theres thins really huge teddy bear that I really really want. I saw it at walmart since everywhere is already starting to put things out for valentines day. The bear is so huge its gotta be like twice my size I need it I really do. I want it so badly that I'm already getting stressed at the thought of not getting it. It may not seem like a big deal like "oh it's just an teddy bear" but no I might actually cry if I can't have it. It's just I really love teddy bears a lot, it's one of my favorite things ever and I really need this one. I have a teddy bear thats about maybee a little bit over half my size, it's super cute but I want an even bigger one as well. if it wasn't obvious by now, teddy bears are clearly my source of comfort other than my pillows. Whenever I get anxious or tired, or maybe just really sad, I always need something to cling on to or hug, and my teddy bears really help with this. Now obviously an actual human being to cling on to would be better but ykkk. One day I want to have an intimate and touchy moment with an actual being and not an inanimate object LOLDJBRJ. I don't usually like to be all touchy tbh but I really want to despite the fact i'm not all that comfortable with it yet, it's a matter of getting used to it. Sometimes I feel really awkward whenever a friend tries to hug me or hold my hand, I don't really know why, it's not that I don't want to hug people or anything like that but I just don't know why I get all awkward and distant. BUT IM SO TOUCH STARVED HELP. its like jeez i want to be close and give hugs and all that but i dont at the same time. I think this happened due to past experiences which could of lead to me being uncomfortable being really close to someone or touchy. wait but then the thought of someones skin being anywhere near mine seems so odd and uncomfortable, do I want it it not. I do but I don't. I'll at least work on hugs.

why was this so long lol also I always end up talking about something else other than the original topic of discussion, this was only supposed to be about me being sleepy but I ended up talking about teddy bears, comfort, being uncomfortable about touchiness, and then also being touch starved. does my bpd have something to do with this lmao