I feel stupid somehow

idk what's going on anymore. I just weighed myself a couple days ago and felt 100% on top of the world, I'd lost 9 pounds and it was starting to show, but then I got cocky, and I ate some more and even though I haven't checked I feel heavier. I HATE IT.

I can't believe I was so stupid. I want that happy feeling back, my face was small, my thighs had a gap, and I woke up optimistic. What is the matter with me? I want to be happy why aren't I happy???

I'm thin, I'm pretty, I'm dainty, I'm delicate, why aren't I fulfilled. I was 10 pounds off of my GW and now I changed it from 119 pounds to 112 I feel a fool. Why couldn't I just stick to it and see myself as beautiful for 2 f*cking minutes. I wish I had my meds, I wish my boyfriend would stop commenting on my food and how great my recovery is going, please just be happy you don't have to strain to pick me up, just be happy I'm happy.

But I'm not am I? I'm whining about nothing, I wish this would all disappear. I wish that I would disappear so he, nor my family, nor anyone else had to listen and deal with this with me. I'm not doing anything except whine, I'm not even underweight and I say I've got an ED, I'm a joke.